come, hold my hands

My throat is on fire, or at least feels like it is going to burn something to a crisp. Hence loading on dairy products, I have so little faith in cough syrups. My friend got his letter today and he said he liked it, although he also said my writing was illegible, unsurprisingly.

Lance and Courtney surprised me at work which was nice, just wish I'd not had to be on the floor so I could've properly caught up with them.

I am going to get Gossip Girl on boxset, I'm getting into it now, after reading the books and wondering if I'd feel anything for the television series. Two main factors, Edward Westwick and Penn Badgley haha, but no, it's good to see an English guy in a high profile teen drama.

I can't wait til my holiday in June. And then a month or so and my birthday and THEN my holiday and then October. Hopefully October will be a good month. We shall see.

men

When I am minding my own business, walking alone, I do not expect a flock of drunk men to parade infront of me and yell incoherent rubbish (especially when I have to lip read due to headphones).
The cloud had a silver lining, through 'Aaron' badgering me for my number, despite the fact of my 'ohhh I'm seeing someone' (yes, a small lie but still, you have to given those situations) I looked for my phone but remembered it was back in the bar, hence him chasing me down the road
'Daaarlin!' shudder shudder.

Anyway, he was a bit greasy, probably aspired to be some sort of footballer and the compliments of 'oh darlin you're good lookin, I've got a BMW and earn loads of money' obviously I am going to say 'take me I'm yours'. Materialism is all well and good, but not when the vessel of said materialism has as much personality as a kipper and smells like he has bathed in bad cologne. If a man has money he should either not show it, or at least wear it with some sort of dignity. I 'promised' to text him within five minutes of me literally running up the road, bumping thankfully into Flo. We are going to meet up Thursday which will be lovely and beautiful.

It makes me wonder why some men are so desperate. He was definately not my type in a million years, but then when men are hideous(ly) drunk, any girl looks good.

I had a good chat with two of my girlfriends about being straight edge, usually I don't talk that much about it, I'm of the school of thought which reads 'personal choice' about that sort of thing. I certainly don't clobber people with it. But it was really nice, most of my friends seem horrified when they find out I don't drink but it's always been a positive thing for me. And for my wellbeing.

I keep coughing so hard it's not nice, like really tickley and it makes me want to rip my throat out and scratch it, it feels so annoying!

Me and the Jeffers went for her birthday dinner which was amazing, I love food. Saw all my old work friends which was great.

So tired!

xo

my war, my life

'If the world hates you remember it hated me first'

runaways

After church I decided to get on my bicycle and take my brother's camera. I am not a very good photographer, I am the first to admit that. I was pleased with one of the shots though. I think that was down to chance light. I took the photos at the church where my Mum grew up. I think all my family have been married there, and my Grandmother and Grandfather are both buried in the graveyard. It was so peaceful, this gentle wind, it was so beautiful and blessedly quiet. I used to get so upset when I was small, I never met my Grandmother, I hear amazing things about her. She had seven kids, not an easy task and she was a landgirl in the war. She looked gentle and strong whenever I've seen photos. I like to think my cousins, my brother, and I, we carry that subtle determination. It's weird to miss someone you've never met, but I miss what she could've been. My other Nan is a living legend and the last grandparent I have. She's beyond cool and I feel I need to see her much more often, although I know she does love her solitude. I guess it'll be easier when I'm a bit more settled in life.

My Dad made the most amazing blueberry torte, I shall be having some later. Yummy.

I'm so stoked on September, and October too I guess, if things work out haha.
xo

stressstressstress

This week has been empty really. I'm so glad it's over. It's been very educational at work but so stressful it's gotten me very singleminded. I had our second Youth night which I co host with our YFC worker Johnny. It was great but we need to be more organised and more comfortable with each other as for me it feels a bit uncomfortable sometimes. But that aside it was good.

I wrote a letter to my friend, and got stuff sorted out for work like last minute reports. Today has been chilled, I've napped and just relaxed to the extreme, I'm not going out tonight either because a) I am totally skint and b)I need a night in.

times!
xo

closing my eyes

I have had a very very busy day.

I've been running backwards and forwards and haven't had time to myself until now. I got up at 6.30 and then didn't eat til 1 ish, my VM boss Mimi took me for dinner at Wagamama's which was good, I saw my friends Wesley and Musk skating past. It was beautiful weather and I couldn't look at the menus it was so bright. I had good old reliable no.72, I swear one day I actually will become more adventurous.

I'm quite excited about sending USA mail.


YAWN. I need apple juice.

city of light

It has hit me whilst watching The Devil Wears Prada how much I miss Paris. I haven't been in so long. Just that scene in the car where she's just staring out of the window, and the lights and the buildings...it's just stunning. I should take my job more seriously I think and probably go to fashion week for at least the Autum/Winter. Being lucky enough to see Chanel, Dior, Yves St Laurent and all those greats...I don't know, my love of fashion wanes sometimes and I know I'd never make it as any sort of designer. I simply have realised I can't breathe, eat and sleep it like that. But the appreciation is still their, the cuts, the colour, the imagination, the muses, the vision and the climax of the product from that vision. I am very much in love with it all still.

stamping your letters

I now have something nice to do. Writing to Chopping (when he gets around to posting my letter) will be nice, but it'll be also nice to have someone not from Norwich to write to. I'm hoping it will prove a useful exercise and keep me thinking about getting out of England for a while maybe next year. I'm going to Italy in October which will be really nice. I think me and Gary are having a weekend in Brighton as well for hang outs and shopping.

I had a really good chat with Gary the other night and it reminded me how much I've missed him, he pretends to be a massive Goth but he's actually really positive and happy (he'll kill me for that!) but anyway we talked about the political, economic situation and came to the agreement that Sweden has it so right when it comes down to tax etc.

It'll be awesome to visit Brighton, I found a really really good hotel I might stay in, but we shall see.

Last night was a bit strange, Em was pretty tired and I think she needed a lot of sleep as she was back on the train to Wales the next day. Hayley met us in the Wildman, we had a few drinks and took off (I made a Jenga house, it was pretty rad) and went to meet Jeffers. It was funny because me and Hayls did the old shoe swap, i.e change our pumps for our dancing shoes when two people yelled out of their window they liked the first pair more. Mortifying, even more so when I couldn't get my shoe on my foot!

Liesje was out with her younger brother (we sneaked him in) and it was so much fun. I can remember the 'golden days' when we'd all go out with her, with Panny and Kat and go to Po Na Nas on a Monday night religiously. It made me feel nostalgic and glad that she was around, as I haven't seen her since she left Topshop last year. But nevertheless, good times. And then Adam eventually turned up, which was cool, we had a gossip/catch up away from the music and then I got a taxi home.

It was nice although I wish more people had of been around. Today I went to church and hung out with Carolyn, we watched Hancock and Will Smith made us swoon. Over ate treacle tart...yumm, and then checked out hotels online. Rest is needed.

xo

moments

Wednesday was a beautiful night. It dawned cold, the proceeded to grow warm by the time I left off work. Part of me worried about going, the usual insecurities of what would happen, would it be a good night, who would be there...but once we started to drive I left all my worries in town. It was rush hour traffic, so we messed around with the camera, ate cake, sang along to the CDs Lauren made. I was quite quiet, it takes me a while to warm up to atmospheres I guess.

We arrived and Ipswich was cold, the sky looked like it was heavy with rain. The bands were running late, it was past eight when the all went on. I was so happy to see 50 Lions again. They always seem genuinely excited to be there, and the crowd responded so well. Between breaks, Jess, Clare, Lauren, Lea and me discovered the delights of the karaoke evening that was happening in the bar, we took the chance and sung passably to Grease, which attracted some of the attention from a few of the guys. Who got equally excited and decided to also join in.

One of the guys was talking to Jess introduced himself and then introduced his friend. I couldn't really care less which band, how many tattoos someone has it seems pretty shallow so I tend to be a bit reserved. But the guy was nice, he had good eyes (i.e intelligent) I later found out he was older than I thought, he'd finished college with a degree in Physics. I was impressed and surprised. His friends were just as funny as he was and were really up for hanging out and doing more karaoke. They ended singing 'You've gotta fight for your right, to parrrrty' which was amazing, everyone was dancing and laughing.

There was a really nice girl there, I'd never seen her at a show before, but she seemed so much fun, and genuinely non bitchy and sweet. She also had an amazing voice, and put us all to shame (apart from maybe Clare). She spoke to Jess and it made me think about how lucky I am to have such nice girlfriends into hardcore. Girls into hardcore seem to be so wary of the same sex, we either think the worst of someone instantly or see them as a threat to whichever guy we're into that week or sometimes it's a case of not believing they'll stick around into the scene. Which in most cases girls don't. I'm blessed to have great girls who're loyal and nice and into the music. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't have bothered, for all the trouble some girls cause.

We got on really well, though throughout the evening half of me was wondering how many girls he's met exactly like me just in different places. I kept wondering how on earth you'd realise if you genuinely liked someone when you met so many generic girls (myself included). He was cute, in a subtle way, I think I was convincing myself I didn't like him just to stop me from doing anything stupid. The girls were watching a film in the lounge and a couple of times James burst into the dining room where me and the guy were, I think James was mildly disappointed to see we were just talking. At about half three Jess decided it was really time to go. It was sad because I really liked hanging out with him, and it has helped me realise so much more about people just from that evening. I knocked him a kiss on the cheek, though I shied away from a full on kiss, which I was quite proud of. It was a bit awkward but we both laughed. I didn't want to be classed as one of the British girls he saw and conquered. I would like to be vaguely remembered as a nice girl he had a good conversation with.

Jess drove us first to her house, and then drove all the way to mine. It takes about half an hour to get to mine and I was so grateful and touched she did all that driving. At nearly five to five I rolled into bed, I could already hear the birds and see the first streaks of light dancing on my ceiling. At six thirty I got up. Quite awake considering the lack of sleep. No make up on for two days, I feel liberated!

Me and the girls are making plans to have more nights out like that. Not all the time but once a month to give us some awesome memories. I couldn't care less what other people think, given the chance to hang out with some fun guys and have a blast I don't think anyone would turn the oppotunity down. Life is about living it, and making the most of the good experiences. I think when people are from another place, especially somewhere you've never been, it's only polite to try and have an insight into their lives. I'm still very much reliving that night, fond memories with some great people.

Viva friendship xo

lusts

sort yourself out, you're such a disgrace,
with eyes like daggers,
that tear holes into the heart,
how I wish this wasn't a reality,
I wish light would shine,
how I wish it would just keep on shining,
save me from these dead ends,
these empty beds of broken thoughts,
so I raise my hands in defense,
let me go, oh won't you let me?

МАМАША

The weekend was little surreal. It was very busy to say the least. On Friday I was meant to go to the Love household but Emily forgot it was her friend's birthday, in a way I was sad as it meant I couldn't see Em and Anna, but it was a good thing because I was exhausted from the week's stresses. Our UK product manager came up from London to sort things out in our store, I do like Amy she's very knowledgable and she just makes everything a lot easier to understand. My job is hard work I love it but sometimes I get a bit caught up in everything.
So I had an early start as I was panicking my furniture would arrive really soon (it didn't arrive until 2!) I moved everything around and tried to get my room in some sort of order.
I went to Kinki and got my hair cut, my usual hairdresser wasn't in, so I had Kate, who was hilarious, she was recounting her numerous experiences of Norwich clubs. At first I was a bit unsure, but after the ice had broken she was great fun. She put in some softer layers and tidied up the back so it will grow in the way it's meant to. I was pleased that for once I could keep up with the 'hairdressing lingo' usually I nod and smile and pretend like I know what they're talking about, this time I felt I understood a little better! I do like Kinki, the girls and guys are all really friendly, and I think I'm not alone in loving the feel of salon washed hair (especially when they've put all their awesome products and dried it beautifully).

We went out to the Waterfront, surprise surprise! I was feeling in a weird mood, and the whole evening seemed up and down, I saw my friend Ryan which was nice, and saw a few other people I knew, though I was hoping more people would be around. The music seemed a bit random too, last weekend the music was amazing, and then this weekend it was terrible. Well not entirely but I really hate Muse, the new Kings Of Leon, it is just a bit boring and not good to dance to. They did play White Lies which brightened my mood considerably. And there is nothing better than chips when you've had a night out. Mmmmmm.

Sunday awoke pretty early had to rush out of the door for church, sung alot (but kept missing the intros to the verses which was weird) and had a really awesome speaker called Mark Sutcliff. He was really encouraging and a laugh, and I probably ate my weight in chocolate eggs. In the afternoon we went to Mindesmere as it was Mumma's birthday. Laurence and me kept getting dirty looks off the birdwatches, I think it was because we didn't have massive tripods strapped to our backs. We kept seeing these men and women with not only their tripods but seemingly the most ridiculous sized lenses on their SLRs, it was hilarious because one would have a pretty big one and then another guy would 'outlense' the other. And the would just protude so much they ended up looking like darleks! Good times. We went for dinner at the White Hart in Blyburgh, and I ate a lot, no surprise but it was nice to be out with my family. I aime them lots.

My best friend is coming home soon from Leeds, it'll be nice to have him back for a bit at least, he's not the 'settling in one place' type. I found an amazing job in San Francisco. Not because I like that place any more than anywhere else but it just keeps me thinking 'what if'.....

Hardcore- Continuous Relevence?

I will refrain from going into hardcore's history. Most people reading this will already have the understanding of it's roots in punk, the changes that have happened since the late 70s that have made it evolve and shift to today's attitudes, however what I am interested in is how it is helping the current generation. What is hardcore doing that helps the youth? What is hardcore besides a genre of music?

Hardcore, punk, alternative music, it is around because a fraction of society hate becoming just another person. This fraction do not like to conform, they would rather stand out than become a clone, or a sheep. Hence the political stances, hence the clothing code, hence the staunch religious views.

Okay so hardcore has always been a platform for freedom of expression. One of my friends describes it as 'an outlet of anger, and a way of getting rid of the emotions you bottle up'. So what? Many genres of music do that, but not perhaps so watered down. Where some bands from other music backgrounds may talk about how upset they are, or how a relationship failed, usually there are some 'happy' songs, some songs that give you hope. In hardcore, especially today, there is a clear message. It's not going to be okay, there is no hope for me. It is not a sob story, it is not seeking attention, it is just what is says.

Bands such as Ceremony, Trap Them, Trash Talk, Cold World portray a 'go it alone and face your own concequences' facade on their music and their ever rising popularity is clear that it is a view shared by the majority. Indeed it is a largely God Free environment, though a small number of Chrisitan hardcore bands do exist.
But not everyone does share this view, the 'posi' hardcore view is of friends, family, being united for the music and sharing the load of life's trials. Set Your Goals, Good Clean Fun, H20, Death Is Not Glamorous and many many other bands, old and new share the mentality that life may let you down, but you have people that will help you all the way, so long as you stay true to your roots, and your values.

So many people may wish they could 'believe' in better, but with life can come a lot of disillusion. People aren't always 'around' you there to pick you up in your time of need, and when things come apart and come crashing down, where do you look?Since they don't have any belief in a God, perhaps they would rather believe in nothing than fear belief in something that might fail again.

I haven't been into hardcore long, I've been aware of it since I was sixteen, I'm twenty one this year, older, hopefully wiser too. I have learnt a lot about the scene I'm involved in, about the traditions, the people, and do not get me wrong, I am proud (most of the time) to be apart of something like hardcore. I love the people, the atmosphere, the traditions, the music. It's all very special to me, and I love the way I can relate to the music.

It is starting to get a bit repetative, though I don't outrightly dislike that aspect, but the cathartic method of 'talking through' your problems has been around since Freud. And all of us offload our problems in some shape or form. With the internet, blogging (aha!), mobile phones, we have infinate ways of letting out our inner angst, sometimes to complete strangers.

Hardcore is an ongoing angst though. Talking about your problems is a part of a hope that you'll recover somehow, but it a vicious circle where hardcore is concerned. Nothing gets solved. There isn't any hope anything will get any better, as there is no a hope, so you get the repeat of how bad it is. How much you hate it, but you can't stop it. Is this really all hardcore has to offer? A pedestal for broken people just to become even more broken?

I will probably add to this when I have thought more about it.

God vs man

God wins. Everytime. I am going to sleeeeeeep.

it's an Etheopian cake!

I was watching The Beautiful Life today so bittersweet. I had a really good time hanging out with Chopping, he liked his egg (cleverly in the shape of Mr Potato head with stick on body parts) he seemed a bit quiet, I was worried and I hope he's okay. But then I tend to talk too much. I think I should be quieter, and let other people talk more? I get overexcited. Today's been good, busy but good.
I'm looking forward to seeing Lea, Joe, Jess and her boyfriend. It'll be lovely to see Jess, as I don't see her all that often, and to meet her other half will be equally awesome, I wonder at how couples 'make it' long term, as I'm such relationship failure, and Jess' situation is tough as her boyfriend lives in the States. I admire them greatly.
I phoned my friend Luke when I got home, it was nice to have a chat, or rather for him to hear me moaning haha, but still it's been a while and it was good to hear how he's been. Apparently he's bleached his hair. Crazy man!
I got a call off my other friend as well, as he had seemed down a lot, we had a pretty long conversation and made me realise how I've missed his humour, I always feel bad I'm so selfish when it comes to time, I don't even have a busy social calender but I seem to spend more time sleeping than hanging out.

Tomorrow will be awesome. I need to be nicer. Eugh!x

shhhhh!

soon Chopping will have his present.....and he still has no idea! mwahahahahaha! maybe I should tone the evil laugh down....that might scare him. Or make him think it's a bad present. When in fact it's SO good. I keep going on about it. But it's...just the best thing ever. With the exception of a pony. Maybe.

3D monsters

I had a pretty awesome weekend. On Friday, I caught up with my friend Becca. Now I've known her since much first breath, give or take a few, we were born 12 days apart, but I haven't seen her in literally months. Bad seeing as we live in the same village! Anyway we went to the pub and had a really good catch up, and relived childhood memories. It was honestly so good to see her. Anyway, Saturday I thought I might be seeing Lea, but I ended up doing chores and having a lazy morning, probably needed as I was shattered. The afternoon was dull to the extreme, and I didn't fancy going out. My brother Laurence was actually home for once, as we were both around, I took him out for a meal at Pizza Express, and afterwards saw Monsters Vs Aliens (in 3D) and it was so so good! Really funny, and I am a big Seth Rogen fan. I was up for some really lighthearted entertainment.

We got icecream afterward (Ben and Jerry's fudge brownie) and walked around town in our 3D glasses, y'know, being cool. It was all in all a great night, I feel very lucky in the sense I do get on well with my sibling, and I know not everyone can say that.

Sunday dawned nice and sunny, and Jamie picked some awesome songs to sing. I felt really honoured to be able to sing in the band, I've felt very disconnected lately, and I tried really hard not to be distracted by the externals. Jamie said afterwards I need to be more confident with singing prophetically (when you sing free style I guess is the nearest way of describing it) and it can be really beautiful, but only towards the end I felt 'there'. That moment where nothing else matters but you and God, because you are literally singing to him and him alone. It's a very special time and I can't wait to get my ipod docking system so I can practise on my own as well as band practise. I met Toby's friend Sam who was back from uni, and he seemed a cool guy, not in a romantic sense, but in the sense that he was just funny and just made me realise how much I miss having friends who are single. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great but it is tough sometimes arranging stuff as with kids, husbands and wives, it takes organising to be social sometimes.

We had a good time and in the afternoon Mummy and Daddy Dyson took me to Alburgh for fish and chips and walks. It was so peaceful and it was lovely and warm. Times like that I wish we had a dog, there were loads of families out with their four legged friends, lots of wet coats and wagging tails! I think I'd like a Red Setter. They do say a dog should be like it's owner. And the more red heads in a family the better. Gingerness is dying out! Darn those recessive genes.

Anyway, after Alburgh I had to hop on the bus to get to my cousin Donna's house, as we'd arranged a quiet night in, and a good old catch up, we watched Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. One of my favourites, and I'm sure Donna would have equally enjoyed it had she not kept falling asleep haha. We (or should I say I?) watched Constantine, man that film is good. The storyline is ridiculous but I still enjoy it, especially as Rachel Weiz is one of my favourite actresses. She seems to be very verstatile.

Today was lovely, seeing Lea and Joe, and then seeing Glaysher too. Legends.
Eugh, so tired. Is it possible to overblog? x

rock

I really want to go the Rock n Roll weekend at Hemsby, it looks so much fun. Really nostalgic and a chance to dress up properly. I'm looking forward to next weekend, my hair is getting longer and it's slightly darker, I need to go very dark I have realised, though I do like the redness of it still. Hmm!

I've just finished reading the Sword in the Stone for about the millionth time but it is such an odd, funny story. The way it is a mixture of humour, history and magic makes it all the better!

I should stop lounging around and stop procrastinating. My room is literally clothesonthefloorcity, which is a bit annoying seeing as last week it was beautiful and tidy. One of the ever on going tasks! Anyway I am going to follow my own advice and go tidy up! Chopping's Easter Gift is amazing, SO excited to give it to him!x

thumb wrestlers

Today was good, weird but good. After swapping songs with a friend over text (always good) him arguing that AM/PM by American Nightmare outstripped my favourite, Love American. I think AM/PM is good one, you can really get into it, but I think Love American is far more reflective.

Work was really busy, I didn't really stop until I left which is pretty normal but for some reason it felt a lot better, I've been stressing out so much feeling like I can't keep up but this week has been better. My area manager Mimi is coming soon to spend a few days with us so she can make sure I'm doing things right, I was going to go to London to be with the girls in Regent Street, but to be honest I'm glad in some ways. I would've probably spent a lot of money which isn't good! I do want to go down to London soon though.

After work myself and Chopping headed for some retail laughs, and I was most touched as he made me a compilation CD, I need to listen to it later! There's something really special about letters, homemade CD mixes and stuff, I'm getting Chopping a really awesome present for Easter, (I would say here but just incase he reads) and I wish I was clever enough to make it but it would look horrific if I tried (probably frightening). He also bought me a thumb wrestler, I hadn't actually heard of it before but I am not looking back. We wrestled hard. Mine was no. 54 and looked like a mexican guy with crazy colours. Poor Chopping ended up with the ref. I think it's good to get a peacemaker? Never the less, it was an awesome idea and even though my thumb is slightly too fat, I will wear it with pride! We had good Subways, but I really really hate rude people. There was this nasty little gothic girl ripping into Jamie but not brave enough to actually say anything, just laughing stupidly. I wanted to smack her in the face she was being so disgustingly rude. And she had crap pink hair. Not that pink hair makes you less of a person, but she was obviously one of those insecure girls that has to be sooooo alternative to be er, cool? I don't know. Whatever, I hate it when people are just plain rude like that!

We had a good chat as well, I miss him alot, and it's hard, but it would be so much harder if he wasn't around. He's amazing. x

I need to fix my glasses

they broke a while back now and I need a new screw for them. As they were not cheap Topman ones I will be begging some optician to fix my beloved AA pair! So the inner geek can party again haha.


It is very nice and sunny. I am looking forward to disco dancing with Chopping tomorrow a la Subway. Hopefully not too much dancing as we both can't eat for toffee. I end up with mayo all over my face and there is usually more Subway on Jamie's lap than in his mouth. Good times though.

I bought Tom Ford's Black Orchid yesterday and I actually want to eat it. It smells amazing. I don't care if it is an evening fragrance, I will wear it because it is delicious. And expensive. Or is that the reason to use it sparingly? I was not impressed to find that Creed perfume has had a price increase. During a recession so if I now want to buy it I will have to shell out £130 for the larger bottle. I think I'll stick with a new bookcase. Needs must!

I'm off to London next week for training, so hopefully I won't be seduced by spending money in Urban Outfitters. As I have seen some lovely things on their site.

xo