forget

tonight I am going to have an amazing night with my best friends Hana and Jess. I am promising myself.

Prim (my favourite shop in the world) has expanded it's premises to a cute place just down the road from the previous shop they were in, and now apparently have a basement too! How exciting. It makes me really happy when small independant businesses grow and expand, especially during a recession. They're very nice people as well which makes me very proud that Norwich is celebrating boutiques and well buying their stuff.

I know a lot of people dislike Norwich as a city, but for me it's really growing. The art school is probably the main reason it's getting so much better. I think the more youth in a city the better sometimes, young people (not always) but generally like to push boundaries. Our music scene is getting loads better, which is brilliant.

Mike Darkside, ECK, James Poole, all have really made a massive effort to put on shows in Norwich and nearby. My friend's boyfriend Jack runs a zine called What Would Henry Rollins Do, it's really good and he works very hard to keep it up. He's also in a band called Dorian Gay and if you like sort of early hardcore it's probably for you, it's got a very raw sound and they're all nice chaps which makes going to shows a lot more friendly! I think that has been what Norwich has been missing, people who generally appreciate the area. So many people think that to find dreams or to start things it needs to happen in Leeds or London. It's so not the case. Obviously there are more oppotunities but small cities like Norwich are becoming recognised now thanks to those individuals that work so hard to do something different. And if you have the drive to do something you should be really able to do it anywhere.

I was really sad/elated to hear my friend Ryan is moving to Calgary early next year. It's very bittersweet as he is a great guy and one of the nicest people I know, I'm going to ask for a tonn of postcards and photos (he takes some very good ones!). We were going to hang out so much more but again it's just proven to me how much you have to appreciate people when you have them around. Anyway it's bittersweet but I am totally excited for him. He's again one of Norwich's stars, he's always always busy doing lots of exciting things, I have told him he needs to chill out sometimes so hopefully he'll get some time out when he's away!

Can't decide on what to wear tonight...humourous lumberjack with beard or sexy vampire in an amazing dress? hmmmm

do not listen

when in a very depressed state of mind.

nightmares

I keep having very realistic nightmares. Which is strange because I never ever used to have them. Maybe a few when I was small but now not at all. Right now I feel absolutely horrendous.

It's so hard when you wish so hard someone was there to just tell you it's okay and not to worry but these dreams are so upsetting and break my heart a little even. It's almost like all my deep down fears come out when I'm asleep, so I see my friends leaving me, my boyfriend cheating on me, I wake up panicking and hating myself for letting them get to me so much.

I don't know whether it's not being close to God right now that these things are happening.

Okay well I know that that is the reason. He kept me safe from horrible stuff, protected me from it. I keep on running away from him because if I stop and think about what I'm doing I'm putting myself in very real danger.

If I think about everything as well, God was like the biggest thing in my life. He loves me so so so much, so much that I couldn't even imagine how much. And I'm trying to replace him.

It's not fair that my boyfriend gets so much of my love. In fact it's not healthy or good that he does. I'm a very loving person, God taught me that I'm not only like that naturally but through loving him my heart became a very big place. It did some amazing things like helped me work with young people (which I never thought I'd be capable of doing) or that I'd be able to love people even though they disliked or hated me, and we even ended up becoming friends over time too. But my heart is hurting. If I had been an average, non religious person, me and my boyfriend would probably be amazing together, but I have so much love and with my problems, it means he gets everything. It's too much for one person to take all that, and it makes me hurt and upset. In my logical part of my head I can see that I'm too much anyway. I'm volatile, I'm over the top sometimes, and I love him more than probably he loves me. Which is understandable.

I've craved a real relationship with someone like him for so long, I've felt so lonely (even though I wasn't really) but the whole point was that I was waiting for God to give me this amazing person, this person that would love me so much and want to spend their life with me.

I'm impatient at the best of times and waiting for something so special was so ridiculously hard. I admit I nearly always tried my own way of getting someone into my life no matter how wrong they were for me. And it landed me in so much pain, and now it seems I'm putting myself through it again. Naturally it's hard, my church is no longer a place I want to be apart of, not because the people are nasty or the teaching's not great, it's simply because I feel so let down, and so alien. I was the only single person my age there. My friends were all happily married with kids, families. Not single or like me. It wasn't like I could go out with them often, they had commitments to their family. And social time with other Christians is so important. My church was never big and it never seemed to be growing, though I don't think that was anything to do with the pastors or whatever, it was really the congregation I think.

But I miss, I really miss being involved with a church. I used to do stuff I wouldn't have had the confidence to do usually, and I miss trying to becoming a better person, a follower of Jesus.

I feel like an alien. I feel very alone. I wish someone would just be able to comfort me or something but comfort is not going to help me. I don't really know what is.

negative space

I was thinking today, I have so much that I don't deserve, so many people in my life I should treat better...and am I a person that really should have all this? I'm not rich or anything like that, but I have some lovely friends and family. And I just realised how badly I treat them sometimes. My boyfriend is a great guy and my over reactions, my ability to consistantly get things wrong, getting upset with him...it makes me sad that I do these things to him because I love him very much. When my heart gets hurt I lash out, and I don't even stop and think about the consequences. Sometimes I can be justified in anger and upset in life, but the way I go about resolving is so head strong, and can cause so much hurt to others. Deep down perhaps that's what I want, a reaction? To make someone know that I am miserable and I want them to react in a suitable way. That is utterly selfish.
I am not anti social really but just very lazy. From being a very unwanted person I guess when I was younger, now I'm older, have very great friends, I'm perhaps still not totally convinced that they want to hang out with me, so therefore they have to make the effort...or maybe I'm just pretending to be one of those people that people want to see. Like my good friend Steve. He is the nicest chap, but he doesn't seem like the type you walk over. He's funny and very sweet. But then his attitude is so great that is why people like spending time with him.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. I get on better with guys generally but the girlfriends I have are awesome. I miss them as I don't really see them as much as I would like, but then again that's my own fault. I could get the train and see Courtney down in London one weekend. I could make sure I have a day with Lea, not just a couple of hours. I could go to Ipswich and see Justine. I think the biggest let down with friends is how I've been towards my cousin. I feel so guilty as she goes to uni in Wales, and she invited me to come down in her first year. If I'd really thought about it, I'd have put myself in her shoes...how much would I want familiar faces when I'm a long way from home? And when she got back over summer I didn't see her as much as I could've...

This is the thing, I am not a horrible person but I'm letting so many people down with how lazy I'm being. I want this to stop. After moving, and after Christmas I will go and see Em and have a really great time with her.

I need to stop being such an unreliable person, a better friend and a better girlfriend.

heaven

At the moment things with God are a bit weird.

I want to be in two places at once. It doesn't work.

I miss Him, I don't know how to cope with this right now. No one would understand.

I won't see you for a bit...

But this photo makes me happy. I hope it makes you happy too x

nice things

I am a very big fan of Ms Von Teese, she is the epitome of womanly, okay she's not exactly a moral woman in the sense of profession but her style and the way she manages to keep her private life mostly well, private.

And she has found her own French beau, a rather beautiful beau at that. It's high time she deserved some sort of romantic attachment. I think Marilyn Manson was possibly the worst thing to happen to her, yet she has come out looking just as elegant as ever, and what, precisely has he done? Oh just picked up girls that look exactly like Dita.

Funny. But anyway, I'm pleased she's with someone who deserves her. And the fact he has a title, a fashion legacy behind him (in the form of his father) doesn't hurt either. Good luck Ms Teese!




I LOVE. LOVE. Gilmore Girls. One of the better American TV series. My favourite character is Luke, and Lorelai's mother is hilarious as well.

It follows the lives of single mum Lorelai and her daughter Rory. It's refreshing, in the sense that the relationship between the two seems so, well real. It's not a flashy in your face show, it's not 90210 or The Hills...it's the quiet country cousin really, but it isn't about wealthy particularly (though the theme of class division does come up in the form of Lorelai's parents and some of her lovers) it's about family, friends and sharing life together. The characters are all very strong, and it's acted beautifully. There's never been a time I've watched an episode and thought wow, they cast that character wrong. All of them, whether the central characters or ones in there for a couple of episodes have felt very genuine. It's also very funny. Some American humour paints Americans to be quite obvious, and not really able to grab subtler concepts of comedy. Gilmore Girls has helped get rid of that assumption!


Oh and Whispa Golds are actually the best chocolate ever!

pizza pie

seriously what does that even mean? when I was little I assumed it was literally a huge pizza, like ridiculously deep pan? Okay I still think that...I am having a beautiful looking specimen for dinner later though. So much for healthy eating. I must admit once I get on that eating plan when I'm at le house it's gonna be darn hard to give these babies up...

SOOOO RAD

beach babes

we went for a family trip finally! it was nice to spend time with my younger brother, he has a busier social life than me so I don't see him often, we had fish and chips and it sort of started to rain but that whole family vibe was just everywhere, kids with their parents, people with their dogs and partners, I hope I do the same sorts of stuff when I'm older and hopefully have a family. I'm watching Blood Diamond with Leonardo DiCaprio, I was a bit apprehensive about his ability to carry off a passable South African accent but it wasn't as bad as expected...I'm not really paying too much attention to it though it does look a good 'social awareness' type film.

Now about to watch Emma, (a new dramatisation BBC1) it's so good, can't wait for it to conclude tonight!

HURRY UP!

I am awaiting my Mother to come back from Church, we're supposed to be going out for the day...I'm impatient.

the wet dog look

I had a really lovely evening with Jess and Ham, we hung out, had a gossip of the 'Norwich News' watched Peep Show, then Ham kindly dropped me at Mustard for Distaste which one of the guys was putting on. Gus, Wes, Phil, Robbie were all out as well as Dorian Gay were DJing but I didn't realise their set wasn't til 2 in the morning. It was nice to see Hattie and Kelly, two of Leas good friends, both lovely ladies...it was also nice to see Chopping briefly, we had a catch up whilst the boys all moaned that they wanted his jumper (it had a wolf on it).

The next morning we were going to walk the dog but it was pretty miserable weather and I didn't want to wake up til really late. I am so lazy! We hung around having breakfast and stuff and then walked into town, did the usual haunts, I would've gone back to Gus' after that but he had so much to do it seemed a bit silly trying to get in the way. Plus walking back from Sprowston is a horrible chore in the rain, my new coat was so heavy when I got back it was so wet I looked like a drowned bear!

Now I am looking forward to Monsters Vs Aliens on DVD when it comes out (an amaaaazing film) and a truely laid back night!

Lay in tomorrow

I've been doing my usual 8-4 shift at work which is sweet as I get out early enough for hang outs with friends or extra nap time/reading time. But I do really miss laying in. I don't start til 12.30 tomorrow so hello luxury sleep options. But what really gets me is the fact I then have a glorious finish at 8.30pm. Which sucks. As that means I get home at 9 ish. Which thus means I literally eat dinner and go to sleep (as I have work at 8 the next day) so yeh it's sort of bitter sweet.

I'm watching Sherlock Holmes currently. Such a massive fan of Basil Rathbone. He was the best of them.

Really liking this album as well at the moment as well. Guns Up were always a band I knew I liked but was always too poor or too lazy to buy their stuff. But really, okay upbeat is the stupidest word to use but musically it really makes me move. Lyrically it's just as 'go it alone' as everything else but still...a well good album.

I'm stoked for moving now, I really can't wait. Luckily it seems I might not have to buy a bed, nice people seem to be donating haha. But I'm a bit more nervous about it now.

It's pretty good, I've got winter training with my work which is always on Oxford Street and Regent Street. I'm a bit peeved as I'll have to get the really early train down there to be in for 9.30am. The train to London from Norwich is packed at that time obviously so how much of a nightmare it's going to be getting to Head Office....who knows! I'm also not sure who I will be sharing a room with. I've been blessed that all the girls I've ever shared a room with have been really awesome. It also means I can return some shoes to Urban Oufitters. I was a bit concerned I wouldn't be able to within my return date due to all the postal strikes. It's tied in quite nicely! It also means I might be able to then meet up with my friend Gary! Finally!

Fingers crossed!

if money was not an object.

How cute is this house? And if you look closely you can see the sea! It's in one of my favourite parts of the UK, down in Devon. I like Cornwall and Kent is beautiful but Devon has this irristable charm. My Great Uncle used to have the best little place in the middle of Torquay, I can still remember the bedroom I used to get when I stayed. My brother was way too small to get more than a cot, but my parents room had a little set of stairs just off it, and up these stairs was my own little bed and everything. It also had a wonderful view of the town, as their cottage was at the top of a hill.
It's just such an English place, not in the BNP sense of it, but just old fashioned, like you could imagine old cars zooming down the lanes and having a 'jolly' good picnic. I don't know it makes me happy visiting there, and it's an ideal place for family life.

I also am a massive fan of Dartmoor, for me there is just nowhere more bleak or desolate that still is utterly beautiful and somehow awe inspiring all at the same time. The weather is so changeable and the sky is just huge that you don't realise how quickly things can happen (i.e rain). And the ponies are just beautiful, I've been lucky enough to have them trust me enough to pat them a bit, it's lame, I have no interest in much other than boring old person things!

I am hoping that if possible I'll be able to see something of that part of the world next year, Amanda and Sam getting married in Surrey next year so possibly tie something in? I will probably have to hire a car for a week or something so I can drive myself and maybe Gus if he's a) still in the country b) wants to come c) I get a plus one on the invite. I think we'd like to go abroad to Fluff fest maybe but again it's a lot of ifs and buts.

My dad is such a genius, when I move out in a few weeks time(!) I will miss his cooking. I plan to visit home a lot haha. We had this tarragon chicken dish with roast potatos which are my favourite potato ever, I could seriously eat a whole bowl full. But then I'd be huge...I'd love to be one of those girls that has a seriously crazy metabolism. Oh well. I'm not too fat. I think haha.

kiss me

is one of the best NFG covers. It makes me feel really carefree, I love the music video as well...really cute video.

I pretty much went to bed for a couple of hours getting increasingly angry at stuff, and what made it worse was there was no solution to my anger, it's just things that will have to wait until I have an oppotunity to vent.

Moving day isn't too far away, and I'm both nervous and excited. I wish so much I had enough money behind me to have my own house. I'm pretty anti social at the best of times and to share a house with four people might prove a bad idea. Hana has been so good about it and has offered her car/moving skills...I want to go around the charity shops and get some interesting bits and pieces as the bedroom is huge. I'd like to go for shabby chic, maybe maybe ask someone to re cover some stuff if I can afford it, the house is pretty modern though so whether it'll look a bit weird....I'm not sure. It's a house I won't be in forever, my own taste is in older properties though if I can afford them is another story entirely.

I would give anything right now to have a job I'm happy in, I was even thinking that when/if Gus joins the army that I'd go back to education, partly so I am doing something I enjoy, partly to gain some sort of career direction and partly to stop myself from worrying about him. Right now it's not too bad, I'm not thinking about it all that much, however Febuary is not far away, and as much as he pretends it's not, I know it'll come around so fast, seeing as how fast this year has been and gone.

I wish I could explain just how much the thought of losing him scares me, but to do that is so selfish. The better part of me wants him to do it, and of course I want him to succeed in life generally...but when it comes at such a sacrifice the lesser person within me just screams for him NOT to go. For his sake I've not gotten carried away with dreams of the future, but when you feel so strongly about someone, I can't think that you wouldn't want to envisage a future together now and again.

The fact he's going sort of, I don't know, eats away at the little future I have of us, and it breaks my heart. I don't mean like marriage, kids, I mean just me and him, together. Spending months and months apart is just terrifying in itself, and then having nightmares of him not coming back...it gets a bit overwhelming. Of course you try and be sensible and just say to stop worrying about things that haven't happened but at my more irrational times it just comes out.

full up

I waddled back into town after a really awesome meal at Gus' mum's house. It was a family celebration for Alex (Gus' eldest brother) and his mum's birthday. Three courses and it was really really lovely. Robbie, Gus' next eldest brother, came up from Oxford with his girlfriend Emma. I've known Emma years really as we went to school together, though she's a couple of years older. Her parents even live opposite my Nan, so it's a small world!

Emma and Robbie got in early in the morning and I sort of kept waking up on and off, and whenever someone comes in the dog always barks. But in the end I drifted into sleep and I think Sarah, Gus' mum, was getting a bit stressed out, not surprising as there was so many people in the kitchen. So me and Gus walked Chloe. We took her to the heath and it was so beautiful. All the leaves were red and gold and the sky was cloudless. The dog seemed to have fun.

When we got back it was lovely, Amanda, Sarah's friend, was helping to cook the main course and it just seemed to go so well. I sort of wish we hadn't had to go so soon, Gus' nan was there and she was really cool, plus I really do like Gus' brothers, good guys. I think Gus was getting a bit annoyed with the constant 'family photo' sessions. And even more annoyed when Sarah and Amanda weren't sure if they'd taken the photo haha. Technology!

shopping spree

I bought a fur coat yesterday, before you ask yes, it is faux. I had a lazy morning with Gus and his cat. His cat is probably my favourite of his mum's beasts, she has a dog as well a little Jack Russel but we don't seem to get on all that well, and she always, without fail, barks whenever anyone comes in the house. The cat is very sweet though, a long haired tabby and as my Grandpa used to have a simular cat minus the long hair, it's sort of sentimental. While Gus was up and doing useful things I was lounging around point blank refusing to get up properly. It was really nice just not to have to do anything.

We'd gone for Steve's birthday meal at Sakura, and in the end it was Steve, his mum, sister and sister's other half and their 9 month old son Nicholas. As well as me, Gus, Robbie, Sam and Lynn, and another friend of Steve's. Steve's nephew was beyond cute, wearing a little giraffe all in one, he was gurgling, screaming in apart delight, playing with the tongs...it was all very very adorable.

We shared a table with Lynn and Sam who own Drug Store. Sam's a great guy and his partner's always seemed really nice, and after a while of chatting to her she made me feel really comfortable. I never get the vibe they're the age they are (which isn't old but Lynn looks about 23!) must be that vegan eating! We let the guys 'bbq' our stuff for us, and it was one of the most interesting/strenuous meals ever. The waitress was very nice and explained the 'rules', green tongs for vegetables, red tongs for meat, blue for fish and wooden for cooked. I got lazy and kept using my chop sticks to take the food off (probably not the best plan seeing how hot the grill on our table was!). All of us, bar Nicholas who had baby food anyway, used chopsticks and I always feel all fingers and thumbs with them, it took me ages to get my hands in the right position, and then ended up eating my sticky rice one grain at a time! We were there at 7.30 and didn't leave til gone 10. Although I didn't go feeling really full, it was a lovely experience, Steve's mum was so nice and paid for the whole meal, me and Gus are going to get her a little thank you card.

Afterwards we went to the S.U for a drink and where Musk was DJing that night. The usual crowd were about, Musk's girlfriend Emma who I used to work with (she's super lovely), Brittany and Dean, Wes, plus the crowd who'd been at Steve's meal. I caught up with Emma and we had a good chat about everything and laughed as Matt was getting really happy due to how much he was drinking! Funny times. I was pretty tired so we left and went home. So nice to sleep! xo

hangouts

were nice yesterday with Chopping, we saw Steve for a bit in his work.

It's Steve's birthday Monday so he's invited me and Gus to a meal at that cute Japanese restaurant near Lush, it should be really nice as finally I get to meet Steve's 9 month old nephew and meet his sister again...the first time I met his sister I had made me and Steve wear facemasks for a Gay Day, or just skin care, fudge and films. She and her finance happened to walk in when are faces were green with the facemask, probably not the best impression!

I am currently enjoying

I know that the above album got a lot of kids mad, something about selling out or something? I think it's a good album, and I like the fact it's a lot of fun. I know hardcore isn't about the money but these guys do have lives to lead. Everyone I know in a band or who's been involved in one has told me how mind blowing it is...not only the creative process but when people suddenly get it and that moment of realisation that you're getting somewhere with something you love. I'm very unmusical, I can sing but the more I hear of different bands, it really makes me wonder how they put it all together. Even Dead Swans, I much prefer Nervous Wreck and Turn Cold, I can see how they deserve it. They seem to have worked very hard to live the lifestyle that they want. A month ago I was pretty down on bands who seemed to change direction to please a commerical crowd, for me it was almost handing over what made them unique and special musically, becoming duller and more bland.

But since speaking to other people and seeing these people I've felt quite bad about my views. Okay so I might not like it so much, but these people have to live and survive, make ends meet. One of my friends is in Reign Supreme and he's one of the most straight up guys I've ever met who's in a band that seems to have taken off big time this last year or so. When him and his band came over last they were so much fun and that really made me think, this is what it's about. This is what I've missed from hardcore. He doesn't think personally the music he plays is all that (though he was probably being modest!) but the experience and everything makes it so much better.

I just think that anyone who is in a band, who has the oppotunity to travel should just grab it. Work, money, it can wait. The people you get to meet, the things you see and do...If I had that I'd not look back. Don't worry about other people. I don't think it matters so much about who you're pleasing; you make your music for you, not other people, so I reckon if your heart is in it 100% no one has the right to decide if you're selling out.

Return of the King

I haven't read the books, yet, but I think I should. Although I hear some people dislike adaptations of great books, it has probably encouraged a lot of people to get involved with the books.

And plus Viggo is in Lord of the Rings....yum yum yum. Though he was pretty hot in A History of Violence. Not as hot as Edward Norton though.

I was listening to She & Him the other day, wow, Deschanel's voice is absolutely wonderful. Very powerful, but very unique. She's what I call a real woman, not stupidly skinny, pretty without being scary like Megan Fox who terrifies me slightly. I really disliked her in 500 Days of Summer, partly due to massive jealousy, I mean that dress was just amazing, and the way she is described in happier times with Levitz just appeals I think to every woman...all those quirky things about yourself, you wonder if people notice them, are endeared by them or just find them plain annoying. But Zooey is pretty much just one of those girls that men just find attractive because she just is very lovely. I don't know her personality but she just sparkles as a character in the roles she plays, which is kind of rare. Some women have that certain something, like Nicole Kidman has that sort of face that isn't just boring. She's got real character, and as she gets older she just seems to be more graceful and even more beautiful. In the Chanel advert she was just breathtaking. And her follow on, Audrey Tautou is just eugh. My guy friends all agree she is something special. She is the epitome of charming, her pixie feautures, amazing bone structure, and even the way she carries herself. Very womanly. And the Parisienne chic. Just beautiful!