lea, lance, barber

It's always lovely when you see friends, especially friends you don't see very often. I think 'startled goldfish' comes to mind when I saw Lance weaving about, I thought 'that young man looks loads like...woah wait a moment!' but it's been like not having an older annoying brother around, at the time you sometimes want to punch them but when they go away you really miss them! No, I joke, I love Lance dearly and we are like chalk and cheese but he has good footwear these days...haha! And it was equally exciting to see Lea's photos of her puppy, which is beautiful and very very cute. And Joe, well we definately argue. I'm very lucky to have such great friends. So I will make a nice list of why my friends are awesome!

Emily/Anna/Donna- My cousins, but they are like best friends, ladies with big hearts and they are always there when you need them, plus I laugh ridiculous amounts with them.
My brother- we don't always see eye to eye, but he's a great brother, and he makes me laugh, we swap insults and quotes in equal measure.
Justine- I don't see her as often as I would like, but she is sweet and tough at the same time, she has an amazing sense of humour and has true loyalties.
Lea- she's sweet and she has the randomest humour which is really welcome when you're feeling upset, she cares for her friends and she's one of the hardest workers I know.
Jamie Chopping- he's a apart of my heart, and one, if not the most amazing guy. Fish jokes will never get old!
Lance- obviously we live miles apart, and we're so different but he's a lot of fun, and he's one of the only people that will tell me off. (without me hating him too much)
Steve and Matt- two of the greatest people ever, their humour, loyalty and love of a board with wheels is so rad, they are awesome artists and have a real passion for what they believe in.
Angus- I've known him a few years now and he never fails to make me laugh, he is also a pretty good person to talk with, and he makes you feel better even if he's not.
Barber- I will never get tired of our arguements, or how he manages to break limbs on a fairly regular six week basis. He's a clever chap and it makes me pleased (and irritated) that he seems to have a mind of his own haha.
Taya- I miss her so much, but I know her qualities, which are many and can't wait to see her!

I will add to this but I love my friends, and lately I've been pretty selfish with thinking the whole 'why', it's not me...being really negative. I want to start to be nice again, really nice, so nice that I can like people I honestly wouldn't give the time of day too. I'm joking but I do want to stop feeling resentful towards people I instantly dislike, I just want to get on with life. x

.

As you grow, I fade, and I will disappear, but you will not mourn, for you have started as I have ended.

sometimes

I thought today would be amazing, it was just not in the way I planned. I'm grateful to my cousin Laila and Steph for being brilliant.

Last night was mixed, I saw some people I haven't seen in months/years. Seeing Lance and Adam were nice surprises, but then it wasn't so good as I seemed to get into trouble for misunderstandings. I don't know.

I haven't been feeling all that positive lately, surprise surprise. What makes me more unsure is friendship. I don't really understand. I have friends, but I haven't felt amazingly close to anyone apart from Jamie. Thing with Jamie is that he is, will always be a friend, as he's my type of person, he's himself, there are no mind games, he's honest and fun. I'm heartily fed up of having to make ridiculous effort with certain people only to have it pushed back, unwanted. I might be the only one feeling like this maybe? I will never be 'cool' but then I don't think I want that, I've tried everything to be widely accepted and it's never happened. Why should I care for opinions of people that don't make the effort with me?

I think I need to chill out, have some time to myself. I was going to go to This Is Hell, but on second thoughts it probably isn't the best idea.

50 Lions should be fun!

xo

it doesn't just rain

I'm soaking wet from cycling back from worship practise, and typically (or for those more cynical Christians out there, not so typically) we all have colds. James was the only one who seemed healthy and he's the drummer! Steph's tonsils flared up, and on the high notes I had a lot of difficulty. Fortunately the only songs I'm either leading, or sharing leading are lower ones. Lead Me To the Cross, and See His Love (Kim Walker version), check them out if you haven't they are beautiful! I hope I can do them justice on Sunday because we've all worked hard to get it together!

It makes me go really warm, really tingely and nervous all at the same time when you're doing something like that, it's not at all the same to being in a secular band. Or at least there should be a marked difference. Jamie (Steph's husband, our worship leader) is a great guy and him and his wife make an awesome couple, along with their kids (the cutest babies ever!), and anyway, he introduced us to teaching on worship. I never really used to understand the core of what worship actually is. I mean, sure you have talents, but they aren't there to glorify or big up you, they are being used to lead people into worship and into a place where they can really connect with God in a new way. I love singing, which will surprise some people as I don't really sing anything secular all that brilliantly. I never get as much pleasure singing a ballad written for someone I don't know or have no connection with, but when it's singing to God it's so different. I feel confident that no matter how I sound, God will love it, so long my heart is in the right place.

I'm not saying that someone who's completely tone deaf will be called to sing in front of millions, or to lead their worship team, God cares about the motive behind worship, but at the same time, other people need to be able to feel the worship, and feel comfortable in being lead. Whenever I listen to Brooke Fraser or Kim Walker, I just go 'Wow, these women are blessed with such amazing voices'. I admire the fact that they have been given such talent, but it doesn't make me jealous, or make me feel down that I'm not that good, or even so starstruck I want to be them, it gives me goals.

I have loved to sing since I was little, in choirs and school plays. I was too shy to get singing lessons (possibly too lazy!) but when I got more involved in church I was given an oppotunity to be apart of the band. I have had a long break and only came back officially late last year, but I've discovered so much more of God through worship. Granted it's not the only way to give thanks to God, but for me it works. I'll try to glorify God in ways that He wants me to, whether that's in my comfort zone or not, but for everyone there are going to be special ways in which you connect. Much like people with shared hobbies. Some people play guitar, skateboard, horseride. Anything that will celebrate God in the way He deserves.

Sunday I am full of anticipation, God will move in that place I know, and there will be so much breakthrough into people's struggles, lives and relationships. The song lyrics I will be singing go

'Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out, bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down, rid me of myself, I belong to You, Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.'

The bits I need to really remember are 'I lay me down' and 'Rid me of myself' there is nothing so offputting when you are trying to focus on God and bits of thought come to mind like 'oh did I do that for work' etc. Luckily Steph is singing a beautiful song called 'Lord of Lords' and she has battled with her tonsils to get it right, but the lyrics again, they are so profound. It is truely a love song to God.

I'm so excited, so nervous for Ian as this has been 'his baby' so to speak. I hope and pray that this will impact on so many people, that they will be able to 'lay themselves down' before God, and cry out in hunger. These times are hard for many people, Christians and non Christians alike. I hope that this will bring joy to those who are mourning, bring life to those that see only hopelessness, it sounds cheesy, but God has never let me down, and although some things are hard, I know that God has 'my back' haha. Job went through worse than I ever have but then He was a true man after God's heart, and I need to start thinking/remembering that the deeper I come to God, the worse life might get. Satan is a kill joy, literally, and although he can't touch my life, he can touch those around me I love and care for that haven't Christ. That is a fear but I fear God more than Satan, and I know that no matter how much this world tries to sway me into thinking that evil will always conquer, I know that is a lie. The truth will prevail.

wake up

'I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord: Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.' Psalm 27:13-14

I am struggling to be good. But I know the Lord will never let me down. Whether you are an Atheist, an Agnostic, whatever culture, mindset or creed, everyone has to have faith in something, someone. I'm finding it hard at the moment to see light in the darkness, I find it hard to feel positive when things are going wrong. But as a Christian it would be shallow and hurtful to expect God to consistantly give me 'nice' things in life. Otherwise I'd get complacent. I'm not a child anymore, and everytime I slip up I have to remind myself that I am God's, no one elses. And that I need to start taking Him as seriously as He took me. It's easy for someone without a relationship with God to laugh it off, or wonder why I bother. But God's given me so much. I think the fact that out of the infinate amounts of people that could've been created, He chose to create me...and isn't life the best gift of all? Being able to share life with others is indeed beautiful, but even more so when you know your purpose is to glorify God. It's an honour, perhaps I don't feel good enough to do it sometimes, get scared and run away. This is probably very boring to most, but it's my conviction that God will always be there for me, through the bad as well as the good.

x

dear....

'Tie them up inside your arms and learn to move on somehow.You made me feel like in this life there's not a minute worth wasting.Now I don't know, I don't know how to walk away. Call off the morning, stop the light, I can't forget hard as I try.'

With Honor- You Always Said.

I guess it's not completely appropriate but the bulk of it is very much relevant. I got home in time for the Simpsons. Still broke lent on being lazy (just with you!) and I got our table at Mambo Jambos when those girls kept staring at you...thank you for being so good for me, I will remember the high times xoxo

growing pains

'I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.'

You have my heart, I hope this makes sense. x

crush of the year

Dearheart,

I value you more than you will ever know. This week has been stressful, horrible and beautiful all at once. Beautiful because of you, you being you. I can't, probably will never be able to explain how good you are. I've said it before but I will always get defensive when people simply describe you as nice, you have so many facets, so many ideas, to be written off as nice....I don't know, I think you are not just nice, you are amazing. I was so so lucky, after a string of so many disappointments, you turned up, changed my life, and made me realise the true meaning to a relationship. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. I had so much sorrow stored up in my heart from the bitterness other people had placed there. You turned me upsidedown and inside out with your positivity, your warmth, and your sweetness. I am sorry for killing something so beautiful, and you know, or I hope am starting to realise that I am not perhaps in the best mindset for anything so profound. You will always be special, you were a friend to begin with, you gave me a chance, we took it together, and we end together, the best of friends. That is such a sacred bond, and I feel so much closer to you, I feel I can fully honour your happiness now. To anyone else possibly reading this, this is not a cringey attempt to be nice and flattering. This a declaration to someone I love and care for that he will always matter, that I hold him in high regard. You are special beyond words. I treasured us, and now will I treasure you.

Always x

pearls and diamonds

I am selfish. I want so many things, like the Bell Jar, I want to be my own Fourth of July rocket, I want to be, what do I want to be today?

eating sorrows

everything tastes like cardboard. Who made up the phrase 'comfort eating' what a load of rubbish. It hardly comforts, and food doesn't make things better. I hardly know anymore. I thought because of the whole ban on eating cheese (and radically cutting down on milk) I'd be a bit skinnier but no. I was hopping into size 8 jeans very unconvincingly. In the end I started to hear the horrible popping noise (which is code for YOU ARE TOO FAT FOR ME) so back into nice comfy size 10s. I don't think I've ever had a month where I have been so self obsessed with my weight and general appearance. It makes me so angry that I can't just be pleased that I have a healthy BMI, I'm normal, not super skinny with curves like girls should have. But right now I'm so angry with myself for not being in control of myself....goodness knows. I'm hardly anorexic but I am trying to watch what I eat. Generally this works during the day, I'm too busy, pre occupied with working.

Here's to the useless.

Hang me with my own hands,
Paint my feet as they twist and turn,
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe,
It feels as if the whole world's caved in,
Can't you see it?
Crushing my bones to dust,
Blowing in winds turned cold,
I am disappearing,
Fading into the background noise,
And you wonder at my silence,
I am not myself these days.

hate/love

Gosford Park, such a great film. Today was good, apart from the train dilemma, the wedding reception last night was beautiful.
Jo looked stunning, as one of my aunts said 'like a Jane Austen bride' which was true, as she had the most exquiste gown with an empire line. The beading was almost paisley in design and really floaty. Paul looked very smart in his suit, and the speech he made was, well no words could really express the love between him and Jo. Florence, their daughter, looked very cute, but I think wore herself out running around with the balloons! It was probably a bit too much as she not only had her cousin Mia, Paul's sister Vicky's little girl to play with, but her cousins Ellen and Lily. I think Grandma took Flo up to bed. The food (probably my highlight!) was awesome, buffets are amazing because you can a) go up as many times as you want b) no one really notices as everyone is drinking, result!

I met a couple of Jo and Paul's friends who were really lovely as well, they put me to shame as they seemed to know more about the company I work for than I do! Everyone looked gorgeous and everyone seemed to be having a great time, I just wish I'd left a bit later!

Hating how I'm feeling.

borrowed and blue, sinking with you

For I am weak and weary,
My bones feel heavy,
And I have no home,
Listless, restless,
Walking with the low lights,
Dreaming with my eyes shut tight.

list of things to do/get/accomplish

Start packing away my winter wardrobe
Photo all my shoes and make sure they stay in their corresponding box
Start putting good photos onto my walls
Buy a ipod docking system and a new bookcase
Become nicer or just go back to being ridiculously shy...i.e when I was about eight.
Keep organised/stop procrastinating
Make sure I read the Bible for at least 15mins, and try and get into the habit of writing stuff down rather than sleeping
Start tracing my family tree
Reset my ipod and start building up all the music I lost


sighhhhh, probably like a million things I need to add to this.

Oh and if anyone cares, listen to The Geeks, pretty good stuff. Oh and Defeater while you're at it. xo

today has been misery

well no, that's a big fat lie. Owing to me being bad at life I forgot my lunch, my water, and trying to be good with my money (I left it at home) so hello long, tired, dehydrated day. And then it seemed like I completely lost it and ended up freaking out Chopping. Wow. Or should that be 'woe'? I am going to drink a gallon of water, and regain some sense.

furrrry!

I wish I lived with bears. I have named them Jerry and Tom from the Goodlife, they look like fun bears! I was trying to find a good photo of bears and I hated that there were some trophy photos of some hunters with their 'prize', made me feel rather upset seeing a majestic beast like a bear reduced to being someone's rug.

But anyway I like Tom and Jerry, I would like to hang out with them (preferably when they are not big enough to eat me)

xo

counting my blessings

It's something I've been thinking about lately, and especially in times like these it can be a bit worrisome. You just cannot escape the words 'credit crunch', 'recession' or 'economic collapse' if your life depended on it!
It's funny, I was watching 'The Day After Tomorrow' and there's a scene in which all these businessmen are coming up out of the subway that's overflowing with water. I watched bemused as these men and women ran up the stairs, their legs well submerged in water but still carrying their cases and wearing their suits. It was ridiculous and sad at the same time. That even in such dire, desperate times, they weren't trying to leave, find their families, they were working themselves to the bone, striving for what? Money? Or a natural security? Maybe the only schedule which gave their lives a sense and a purpose.

Which leads me onto what I was pondering, with not only the recession in full, glorious swing, you have climate control, the ending of fossil fuels, and a huge amount of disasters, natural and man made. It can feel like nothing good happens in the world.

But it's a bit of a lie, if you listened to what the world told you, there would be no joy left, you would be scared to leave your house, you wouldn't eat or drink (I mean who can, when there is a risk of cancer from literally everything!?) I'm not being purposeless offhand, and of course we need to take the world seriously. But it can damage you just listening.
There was a study of school children a few years back to test them for empathy when placed in different situations. So they set a T.V into a classroom, the first set of children were made to watch a nature program, and then outside a child pretended to fall over and seriously hurt themselves. The second set of children watched a violent progam, and again the child outside pretended to fall over. The results showed that it took the second students much much longer to go and investigate the crying child than the first students. Of course it is generalising to use that as proof but it makes an interesting point that with exposure to violence our empathy, our compassion is not as it should be.
So you then wonder, with the violence in films, the media, even the playground, what is the condition of our hearts? I am not suggesting we wrap ourselves up and pretend the world is great, but at the same time, there are truely times when we need to react to negative behaviour within our area, country and the world.

The Baby P incident, it captured the public because it was a sweet little boy, with an appealing face, who was murdered in front of adults who should've known better. A picture of innocence. However, had the public been exposed of that crime as they had perhaps in the same way the amount of fatalities between teenagers I wonder how many people would have been enraged? I am not being cruel, I simply feel that when we are exposed to something too much we become, bored, 'I've heard that before', old news. It's very depressing to think about ourselves as such callous types. But our hearts are all probably a lot harder, a lot more cynical than they should be. The whole incident of Baby P, at least for me, reassured me for now, children are still expected to have a childhood where they are protected and loved.

I've gone a little offtrack, but counting our blessings, for me it's massively important. My heart, as I said, can become just like everyone elses if I'm not careful. I'm expected as a Christian to keep my heart supple and free of the walls that we build up, either against ourselves, God or others. I have experienced all of them and when they have to come down it hurts, because they were never supposed to be there! Self protection defeats us all in some way or another, it's a hard lesson to learn. I'm blessed to have some great things in my life, but nothing is garanteed, look at Job! You can't rely on Karma or any positive thinkings, because yes it might be nice, but it doesn't give a clear view on what life is. Life won't go your way because you believe you're a 'good' person. You can do all the charity work you like, you could just be quietly helpful, but it sure as doesn't make you invincible to the world.

I guess what I've been thinking is that God is good, and my life might not be perfect, but for what he's given me, I'll celebrate, and if my day's not going my way I'll still celebrate. It can be easy to look to the world for guidance in tough times, and it can be depressing, because there is little good news shown and when you hear the bad news, you know it's not the whole story! But I know God is in control of my life, and ultimately He's given me two hands and two feet to work with, to do great things, just not to glorify myself, but to glorify Him. So I'm counting my blessings, and I won't stop, because I will always have unconditional love from my Saviour, and no amount of money can buy that.

all around smiles

So I had a veeery lazy evening at Monseuir Chopping's residence, it was nice, we watched Amelie, which gave me good times as I have only ever seen it up until she finds the little box. Woke up and lazed around some more, I am finding myself feeling a bit chubby (though Chopping assures me I look nice) it's not that I think I am ridiculously whale like but I'm finding my jeans pretty tight! We bumped into Ryan and the guy who runs Sendol, it was really nice to see Ryan as I haven't seen the chap in yonks, so we had a good old chat! Good to catch up, it's pretty cool as everyone's coming back soon, I think Kelly and me are going for drinks at some point soon too. I do miss her! I am thinking that I need to go back to Brighton really soon as it's such a nice place, maybe do some walking around. I found this awesome site www.forestholidays.co.uk I heard of it when flicking through a magazine and it looks not only really nice but very peaceful.

because we cling to dust

I stand beneath two towers of iron,
Rought from fire furnances,
I close my eyes,
For to look up I see too much light,
And the darkness becomes,
All of itself,
No definition between shades of grey,
The black is black,
And clarity arises,
Sharp, focused and true,
Oh to drink in such glorious light,
Unending.

salad fingers

I think I had the messiest salad today but it was darn good, Chopping and me made Joe cards, I personally think they were pretty good! I saw Lea which was nice, she seemed quite happy and made me laugh telling Joe off for eating popcorn waaaay before the film they were seeing started. I'm a bit impatient to get this year sorted out, I think I should book my eurostar tickets soon, as I know Justine is up for a girly holiday to Paris. That would be lovely, je suis tres excitemondo! It was nice today, at work, as Francesca was making me laugh and she brought in muffins, which were excellent, and tasty. Although I didn't look all that professional scoffing down muffin goodness when we were about to do a floor walk! I think a new adventure will be exploring Scotland, or maybe going on a mini break to somewhere in England. Taking some bikes and chilling out would be awesome. It's times like these I wish I was insured on someone's car, although I suppose I could hire....hmmm!

2 x

I wrote this just now, it sums up everything right now.


Oh if I could describe the look in your eyes,
That laughter, the soft humour,
I’d be stuck for words

So complete me please,
My sentences are short, and they need some full stops,
I would write everyday,
Loving the ways,
In which I could draw your name,
Down every page,
With coloured pens,
Gold paper,
Anything to make it just that little bit better

I promise I’ll make you proud,
I’ll be the girl next to your hip,
Whether I’m around,
Or maybe not,
I’ll still be holding your hand,
Wanting to dream up mad plans

We’ll make it together I hope,
Both you and I,
Making collages out of smiles,
Okay it might not be classic, or famous, or great,
But it’s beautiful to me,
Because we two made it

Oil

I'm trying to think of something appropriate to kick start my post January book, I should probably just stick to poetry as it's more my style, but I do like to embellish to the extreme, perhaps I should've been born in the C19 , write one of those epic three volume novels! I have a bit of an obession with getting the word 'oil' in there, as I'm intrigued by it as a material, and how it can be used in the literary sense. I do really want to do something and finish it, procrastination should be my middle name. I'm forever putting things off.
I want this book to be an expression of faith in a way that it will, I hope show the depth of feeling that will explain God to those that have no idea of what a Christian goes through. I should really write about what I know, which is not much, but my walk with God has not been boring. It's hard to sometimes show God when people shout you down, or won't listen. It's a continuation of thoughts I suppose. Maybe I should stop supposing?
Today was really nice, it's weird, I'm convinced that I'm becoming one of those inseperable type girlfriends, I do feel a bit strange without Jamie sometimes. I guess it's being really comfortable, maybe taking things for granted a bit.
I saw our window dresser as well, she's a nice girl, with very good style! She just looks really bright and colourful, and always looks comfortable with herself. I admire that, I wish I felt so at home with my body and myself. I'm not a girl that rips into doubts and sweats if I eat a cake, don't get me wrong, but I do suffer some insecurities. I wouldn't have surgery, but if it were available on my personality I'd probably go for it. There are so many vices I have, it makes me a bit sick. I'm such a bad person sometimes, and it annoys me because even before the words, thoughts are out, I'm just like 'why did I say/think that?' It makes me very sad, I'm trying hard to change. It's another continuation. But with that I can't procrastinate!
I'm going to look at things to draw for Barber's card, tomorrow we are going to Pizza Express for his birthday!