stagger lee

amazing amazing

new beginning

hello freedom

end of beauty

I don't think I've ever been so heartbroken. I miss you, I love you. Please come back.

girls night out

hi.

Lea/dancing/dresses/shoes

iloveiloveilove.

things to love

my beautiful new home
the way it only takes 15 minutes to walk into work
how I feel like I'm having a better relationship with my area manager
buying things for my house
having movie nights with my housemates
how good things are with my boyfriend
being independant
finally.

team cullen

Okay well not exactly the Cullens. But my favourites anyway. We ate lots and lots of amazing Chinese food at Jess' house and it was just lovely to hang out with everybody. It's kind of taken me a while but usually I see Gus over the weekend, but for some reason I actually was more cool about this, and it made me happy that I wasn't annoyed or whatever. Jess' good friend Anna was in the same boat as me so we were 'fireworks widows' for the night. It was a hilarious walk down to Sparks in the Park, Hector didn't quite get if I was being sarcastic and generally I was laughing til my sides split. We got there a bit late and me and Anna were massive kids about the 'pretty lights' so we pretty much ran down the road as we could see it was the start of the display. We managed to lose Anna somehow and Hector left us for his other friends, but we caught a good fifteen minutes of the fireworks and we all sort of stopped and stared. And yes, still doing the whole 'oooh ahhhh' thing. Paul looked after me and Jess and Ham whilst we looked for Anna. Best line of the night 'we'll meet you by the tree!' followed by 'which tree?!' haha.

Once the fireworks had finished, and they were incredible but it felt like we'd been cheated out of a huge amount of fire work delight as it was quite a bit to get in. We were about to get on the rides as Jess thought they were free (as if!) and I think we sort of waundered for a bit before heading to get the bus. Gareth was pretty quiet but naturally he's a bit like that, however he did come out with some excellent one liners through out the evening.

Jess and me hung out for a bit after, discussing her beautiful boots (practical vs beauty) and then I got a taxi home. It was nice although I am seeing a definate pattern in taxi driver views. Kind of er well...BNP ish. Weirdly I saw my brother and his best friend Rob hanging around on a corner near Jess' house, it was so bizarre of all the places they could've been!

Today has been unproductive. I've got most of my stuff packed away just my dresses need to go. I'm gonna order my mattress from Argos I think, as it's just round the corner I think?

So excited/nervous/feel sick.

you are electric

burn my nerves,
light me up,
oh oh oh,
I am shadow without,
this charge,
flowing through my blood,
my soul,
oh oh oh,
you set my heart into flame,
red to black,
I am not how I used to be.

cold

war

kids

ftw...

packing

like mad. I should've started ages ago.

Man.


So much stuff.

russians and Chopping

we had some rad hang times, yes we did. It's funny, we're very good friends but we talk A LOT. I guess we (as the computer generation) all communicate a massive amount, myself and Chopping calculated we spend time texting, msn-ing, facebook-ing, blogging...it's a wonder we still have stuff to laugh and talk about! But it was good as I haven't properly hung out with him in a while and had some deep chats about hardcore (or mainly Chopping had to listen to me rant, and pretend to be sort of interested haha) and we had some chats about the 'Chopping Clan' and life generally.

I was stoked to see Chopping's very very excellent Kabeedies artwork which he produced for their new album. His work always reminds me of the artist who did the artwork for Billy Talent's album, or the person who did the illustratives for A Series of Unfortunate Events. Pretty rad to say the least!

Gus and Robbie and Nina turned up too which was lovely. Had a nice time with them, Robbie tried to teach me Russian, they're learning German on the sly so they can have secret chats....so I will be learning Russian with er no one to talk to bar Robbie and all he can say is 'My name is ___ and I like cats' and some more lewder things as well. Probably.

I went to Mackintoshs with my cousin Donna, had some amazing chicken and sticky toffee pudding. It was great to talk boys, friends and pool attendants!

Tomorrow I have to seriously start packing my room for the move on Monday. I get my key at 9.30am so I'm kind of excited. My parents, relatives, friends all keep asking how excited I am but it's taken so long to sort out it's sort of lost it's meaning. Now it's so close I am beginning to get a bit ahhh about it. As Gus said, it's like when Christmas is promoted in September and by the time it comes around you're sick of hearing about it!

I am happier though, so so much happier about knowing I'll be in town and able to do what I like without worrying about upsetting anybody or anything. It'll be nice to appreciate my family as well.

I'm going to Eaton Park with the guys and girls. I'm massively loving fireworks, it's my favourite time of the year I think. I'm gonna get to Jess' house for Chinese with Anna, Ham and Jess, then meet everyone with them at the park. It's a bit of a walk but I might try and get a bus into town so I can meet Gus as we've got a house party at Robbies.

Times!

true love

I got Gus a new jacket...looked something like this...but from Urban Outfitters vintage section. Pretty sweet.

London was fun, nearly ALMOST saw Jim Carey turn the Christmas lights on, but we were still working so all we got to see was craning our necks out of the window, producing poor, un Jim worthy views....i.e not seeing him! Still, he was metres from our store....cool by association haha.

We heard Peter Andre singing though funny times. Celebrity breakups are just funny sometimes but when it comes to Brad/Angelina/Jen....Team Jen for the win (seriously if you're going to adopt that many kids at least take time off work to be with them, and while you're at it, stop being such a husband stealer...and annoyingly smug about it, then lie about when you got together...THEN 'accidentally' reveal the truth later) . However, I am very much Team Peter. I've never liked Jordan, I think at best I've felt pity, but I think she is very vile or at least she portrays herself that way.

Anyway, it was a good training session, cannot wait for the house now. Gonna start packing up soon!

tired

sleepy. want to be in bed.

Off to Laaaandan

Yawwwn already at the ridiculous train journey tomorrow. Not so much the time but it's gonna be soooo early. I'll be getting up at 5am to get the train for 6.30am. I'm hoping I'll have some time to grab some breakfast before the meeting, sometimes the provide us with food but not always, they'll take us out to lunch and stuff but after that we'll be moving from Oxford Street to Regent...and prepping stock until late into the night for the floor moves the next day...huff.

At least I'll be able to return my shoes to Urban Outfitters!

icon

Style central x

broken

so yeh for the second time I've managed to break a phone, unintentionally obviously, however I still can't ring anyone without it cutting out and turning itself off.

I'd like to get a Blackberry or an iPhone but not sure if I can stretch to going on contract again as it crippled my bank balance!

Last night was okay, we had more fun I think dressing up than anything else, I went as Poison Ivy! I wish so hard I was as hot as Uma Thurman in Batman, she was totally smoking!

forget

tonight I am going to have an amazing night with my best friends Hana and Jess. I am promising myself.

Prim (my favourite shop in the world) has expanded it's premises to a cute place just down the road from the previous shop they were in, and now apparently have a basement too! How exciting. It makes me really happy when small independant businesses grow and expand, especially during a recession. They're very nice people as well which makes me very proud that Norwich is celebrating boutiques and well buying their stuff.

I know a lot of people dislike Norwich as a city, but for me it's really growing. The art school is probably the main reason it's getting so much better. I think the more youth in a city the better sometimes, young people (not always) but generally like to push boundaries. Our music scene is getting loads better, which is brilliant.

Mike Darkside, ECK, James Poole, all have really made a massive effort to put on shows in Norwich and nearby. My friend's boyfriend Jack runs a zine called What Would Henry Rollins Do, it's really good and he works very hard to keep it up. He's also in a band called Dorian Gay and if you like sort of early hardcore it's probably for you, it's got a very raw sound and they're all nice chaps which makes going to shows a lot more friendly! I think that has been what Norwich has been missing, people who generally appreciate the area. So many people think that to find dreams or to start things it needs to happen in Leeds or London. It's so not the case. Obviously there are more oppotunities but small cities like Norwich are becoming recognised now thanks to those individuals that work so hard to do something different. And if you have the drive to do something you should be really able to do it anywhere.

I was really sad/elated to hear my friend Ryan is moving to Calgary early next year. It's very bittersweet as he is a great guy and one of the nicest people I know, I'm going to ask for a tonn of postcards and photos (he takes some very good ones!). We were going to hang out so much more but again it's just proven to me how much you have to appreciate people when you have them around. Anyway it's bittersweet but I am totally excited for him. He's again one of Norwich's stars, he's always always busy doing lots of exciting things, I have told him he needs to chill out sometimes so hopefully he'll get some time out when he's away!

Can't decide on what to wear tonight...humourous lumberjack with beard or sexy vampire in an amazing dress? hmmmm

do not listen

when in a very depressed state of mind.

nightmares

I keep having very realistic nightmares. Which is strange because I never ever used to have them. Maybe a few when I was small but now not at all. Right now I feel absolutely horrendous.

It's so hard when you wish so hard someone was there to just tell you it's okay and not to worry but these dreams are so upsetting and break my heart a little even. It's almost like all my deep down fears come out when I'm asleep, so I see my friends leaving me, my boyfriend cheating on me, I wake up panicking and hating myself for letting them get to me so much.

I don't know whether it's not being close to God right now that these things are happening.

Okay well I know that that is the reason. He kept me safe from horrible stuff, protected me from it. I keep on running away from him because if I stop and think about what I'm doing I'm putting myself in very real danger.

If I think about everything as well, God was like the biggest thing in my life. He loves me so so so much, so much that I couldn't even imagine how much. And I'm trying to replace him.

It's not fair that my boyfriend gets so much of my love. In fact it's not healthy or good that he does. I'm a very loving person, God taught me that I'm not only like that naturally but through loving him my heart became a very big place. It did some amazing things like helped me work with young people (which I never thought I'd be capable of doing) or that I'd be able to love people even though they disliked or hated me, and we even ended up becoming friends over time too. But my heart is hurting. If I had been an average, non religious person, me and my boyfriend would probably be amazing together, but I have so much love and with my problems, it means he gets everything. It's too much for one person to take all that, and it makes me hurt and upset. In my logical part of my head I can see that I'm too much anyway. I'm volatile, I'm over the top sometimes, and I love him more than probably he loves me. Which is understandable.

I've craved a real relationship with someone like him for so long, I've felt so lonely (even though I wasn't really) but the whole point was that I was waiting for God to give me this amazing person, this person that would love me so much and want to spend their life with me.

I'm impatient at the best of times and waiting for something so special was so ridiculously hard. I admit I nearly always tried my own way of getting someone into my life no matter how wrong they were for me. And it landed me in so much pain, and now it seems I'm putting myself through it again. Naturally it's hard, my church is no longer a place I want to be apart of, not because the people are nasty or the teaching's not great, it's simply because I feel so let down, and so alien. I was the only single person my age there. My friends were all happily married with kids, families. Not single or like me. It wasn't like I could go out with them often, they had commitments to their family. And social time with other Christians is so important. My church was never big and it never seemed to be growing, though I don't think that was anything to do with the pastors or whatever, it was really the congregation I think.

But I miss, I really miss being involved with a church. I used to do stuff I wouldn't have had the confidence to do usually, and I miss trying to becoming a better person, a follower of Jesus.

I feel like an alien. I feel very alone. I wish someone would just be able to comfort me or something but comfort is not going to help me. I don't really know what is.

negative space

I was thinking today, I have so much that I don't deserve, so many people in my life I should treat better...and am I a person that really should have all this? I'm not rich or anything like that, but I have some lovely friends and family. And I just realised how badly I treat them sometimes. My boyfriend is a great guy and my over reactions, my ability to consistantly get things wrong, getting upset with him...it makes me sad that I do these things to him because I love him very much. When my heart gets hurt I lash out, and I don't even stop and think about the consequences. Sometimes I can be justified in anger and upset in life, but the way I go about resolving is so head strong, and can cause so much hurt to others. Deep down perhaps that's what I want, a reaction? To make someone know that I am miserable and I want them to react in a suitable way. That is utterly selfish.
I am not anti social really but just very lazy. From being a very unwanted person I guess when I was younger, now I'm older, have very great friends, I'm perhaps still not totally convinced that they want to hang out with me, so therefore they have to make the effort...or maybe I'm just pretending to be one of those people that people want to see. Like my good friend Steve. He is the nicest chap, but he doesn't seem like the type you walk over. He's funny and very sweet. But then his attitude is so great that is why people like spending time with him.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. I get on better with guys generally but the girlfriends I have are awesome. I miss them as I don't really see them as much as I would like, but then again that's my own fault. I could get the train and see Courtney down in London one weekend. I could make sure I have a day with Lea, not just a couple of hours. I could go to Ipswich and see Justine. I think the biggest let down with friends is how I've been towards my cousin. I feel so guilty as she goes to uni in Wales, and she invited me to come down in her first year. If I'd really thought about it, I'd have put myself in her shoes...how much would I want familiar faces when I'm a long way from home? And when she got back over summer I didn't see her as much as I could've...

This is the thing, I am not a horrible person but I'm letting so many people down with how lazy I'm being. I want this to stop. After moving, and after Christmas I will go and see Em and have a really great time with her.

I need to stop being such an unreliable person, a better friend and a better girlfriend.

heaven

At the moment things with God are a bit weird.

I want to be in two places at once. It doesn't work.

I miss Him, I don't know how to cope with this right now. No one would understand.

I won't see you for a bit...

But this photo makes me happy. I hope it makes you happy too x

nice things

I am a very big fan of Ms Von Teese, she is the epitome of womanly, okay she's not exactly a moral woman in the sense of profession but her style and the way she manages to keep her private life mostly well, private.

And she has found her own French beau, a rather beautiful beau at that. It's high time she deserved some sort of romantic attachment. I think Marilyn Manson was possibly the worst thing to happen to her, yet she has come out looking just as elegant as ever, and what, precisely has he done? Oh just picked up girls that look exactly like Dita.

Funny. But anyway, I'm pleased she's with someone who deserves her. And the fact he has a title, a fashion legacy behind him (in the form of his father) doesn't hurt either. Good luck Ms Teese!




I LOVE. LOVE. Gilmore Girls. One of the better American TV series. My favourite character is Luke, and Lorelai's mother is hilarious as well.

It follows the lives of single mum Lorelai and her daughter Rory. It's refreshing, in the sense that the relationship between the two seems so, well real. It's not a flashy in your face show, it's not 90210 or The Hills...it's the quiet country cousin really, but it isn't about wealthy particularly (though the theme of class division does come up in the form of Lorelai's parents and some of her lovers) it's about family, friends and sharing life together. The characters are all very strong, and it's acted beautifully. There's never been a time I've watched an episode and thought wow, they cast that character wrong. All of them, whether the central characters or ones in there for a couple of episodes have felt very genuine. It's also very funny. Some American humour paints Americans to be quite obvious, and not really able to grab subtler concepts of comedy. Gilmore Girls has helped get rid of that assumption!


Oh and Whispa Golds are actually the best chocolate ever!

pizza pie

seriously what does that even mean? when I was little I assumed it was literally a huge pizza, like ridiculously deep pan? Okay I still think that...I am having a beautiful looking specimen for dinner later though. So much for healthy eating. I must admit once I get on that eating plan when I'm at le house it's gonna be darn hard to give these babies up...

SOOOO RAD

beach babes

we went for a family trip finally! it was nice to spend time with my younger brother, he has a busier social life than me so I don't see him often, we had fish and chips and it sort of started to rain but that whole family vibe was just everywhere, kids with their parents, people with their dogs and partners, I hope I do the same sorts of stuff when I'm older and hopefully have a family. I'm watching Blood Diamond with Leonardo DiCaprio, I was a bit apprehensive about his ability to carry off a passable South African accent but it wasn't as bad as expected...I'm not really paying too much attention to it though it does look a good 'social awareness' type film.

Now about to watch Emma, (a new dramatisation BBC1) it's so good, can't wait for it to conclude tonight!

HURRY UP!

I am awaiting my Mother to come back from Church, we're supposed to be going out for the day...I'm impatient.

the wet dog look

I had a really lovely evening with Jess and Ham, we hung out, had a gossip of the 'Norwich News' watched Peep Show, then Ham kindly dropped me at Mustard for Distaste which one of the guys was putting on. Gus, Wes, Phil, Robbie were all out as well as Dorian Gay were DJing but I didn't realise their set wasn't til 2 in the morning. It was nice to see Hattie and Kelly, two of Leas good friends, both lovely ladies...it was also nice to see Chopping briefly, we had a catch up whilst the boys all moaned that they wanted his jumper (it had a wolf on it).

The next morning we were going to walk the dog but it was pretty miserable weather and I didn't want to wake up til really late. I am so lazy! We hung around having breakfast and stuff and then walked into town, did the usual haunts, I would've gone back to Gus' after that but he had so much to do it seemed a bit silly trying to get in the way. Plus walking back from Sprowston is a horrible chore in the rain, my new coat was so heavy when I got back it was so wet I looked like a drowned bear!

Now I am looking forward to Monsters Vs Aliens on DVD when it comes out (an amaaaazing film) and a truely laid back night!

Lay in tomorrow

I've been doing my usual 8-4 shift at work which is sweet as I get out early enough for hang outs with friends or extra nap time/reading time. But I do really miss laying in. I don't start til 12.30 tomorrow so hello luxury sleep options. But what really gets me is the fact I then have a glorious finish at 8.30pm. Which sucks. As that means I get home at 9 ish. Which thus means I literally eat dinner and go to sleep (as I have work at 8 the next day) so yeh it's sort of bitter sweet.

I'm watching Sherlock Holmes currently. Such a massive fan of Basil Rathbone. He was the best of them.

Really liking this album as well at the moment as well. Guns Up were always a band I knew I liked but was always too poor or too lazy to buy their stuff. But really, okay upbeat is the stupidest word to use but musically it really makes me move. Lyrically it's just as 'go it alone' as everything else but still...a well good album.

I'm stoked for moving now, I really can't wait. Luckily it seems I might not have to buy a bed, nice people seem to be donating haha. But I'm a bit more nervous about it now.

It's pretty good, I've got winter training with my work which is always on Oxford Street and Regent Street. I'm a bit peeved as I'll have to get the really early train down there to be in for 9.30am. The train to London from Norwich is packed at that time obviously so how much of a nightmare it's going to be getting to Head Office....who knows! I'm also not sure who I will be sharing a room with. I've been blessed that all the girls I've ever shared a room with have been really awesome. It also means I can return some shoes to Urban Oufitters. I was a bit concerned I wouldn't be able to within my return date due to all the postal strikes. It's tied in quite nicely! It also means I might be able to then meet up with my friend Gary! Finally!

Fingers crossed!

if money was not an object.

How cute is this house? And if you look closely you can see the sea! It's in one of my favourite parts of the UK, down in Devon. I like Cornwall and Kent is beautiful but Devon has this irristable charm. My Great Uncle used to have the best little place in the middle of Torquay, I can still remember the bedroom I used to get when I stayed. My brother was way too small to get more than a cot, but my parents room had a little set of stairs just off it, and up these stairs was my own little bed and everything. It also had a wonderful view of the town, as their cottage was at the top of a hill.
It's just such an English place, not in the BNP sense of it, but just old fashioned, like you could imagine old cars zooming down the lanes and having a 'jolly' good picnic. I don't know it makes me happy visiting there, and it's an ideal place for family life.

I also am a massive fan of Dartmoor, for me there is just nowhere more bleak or desolate that still is utterly beautiful and somehow awe inspiring all at the same time. The weather is so changeable and the sky is just huge that you don't realise how quickly things can happen (i.e rain). And the ponies are just beautiful, I've been lucky enough to have them trust me enough to pat them a bit, it's lame, I have no interest in much other than boring old person things!

I am hoping that if possible I'll be able to see something of that part of the world next year, Amanda and Sam getting married in Surrey next year so possibly tie something in? I will probably have to hire a car for a week or something so I can drive myself and maybe Gus if he's a) still in the country b) wants to come c) I get a plus one on the invite. I think we'd like to go abroad to Fluff fest maybe but again it's a lot of ifs and buts.

My dad is such a genius, when I move out in a few weeks time(!) I will miss his cooking. I plan to visit home a lot haha. We had this tarragon chicken dish with roast potatos which are my favourite potato ever, I could seriously eat a whole bowl full. But then I'd be huge...I'd love to be one of those girls that has a seriously crazy metabolism. Oh well. I'm not too fat. I think haha.

kiss me

is one of the best NFG covers. It makes me feel really carefree, I love the music video as well...really cute video.

I pretty much went to bed for a couple of hours getting increasingly angry at stuff, and what made it worse was there was no solution to my anger, it's just things that will have to wait until I have an oppotunity to vent.

Moving day isn't too far away, and I'm both nervous and excited. I wish so much I had enough money behind me to have my own house. I'm pretty anti social at the best of times and to share a house with four people might prove a bad idea. Hana has been so good about it and has offered her car/moving skills...I want to go around the charity shops and get some interesting bits and pieces as the bedroom is huge. I'd like to go for shabby chic, maybe maybe ask someone to re cover some stuff if I can afford it, the house is pretty modern though so whether it'll look a bit weird....I'm not sure. It's a house I won't be in forever, my own taste is in older properties though if I can afford them is another story entirely.

I would give anything right now to have a job I'm happy in, I was even thinking that when/if Gus joins the army that I'd go back to education, partly so I am doing something I enjoy, partly to gain some sort of career direction and partly to stop myself from worrying about him. Right now it's not too bad, I'm not thinking about it all that much, however Febuary is not far away, and as much as he pretends it's not, I know it'll come around so fast, seeing as how fast this year has been and gone.

I wish I could explain just how much the thought of losing him scares me, but to do that is so selfish. The better part of me wants him to do it, and of course I want him to succeed in life generally...but when it comes at such a sacrifice the lesser person within me just screams for him NOT to go. For his sake I've not gotten carried away with dreams of the future, but when you feel so strongly about someone, I can't think that you wouldn't want to envisage a future together now and again.

The fact he's going sort of, I don't know, eats away at the little future I have of us, and it breaks my heart. I don't mean like marriage, kids, I mean just me and him, together. Spending months and months apart is just terrifying in itself, and then having nightmares of him not coming back...it gets a bit overwhelming. Of course you try and be sensible and just say to stop worrying about things that haven't happened but at my more irrational times it just comes out.

full up

I waddled back into town after a really awesome meal at Gus' mum's house. It was a family celebration for Alex (Gus' eldest brother) and his mum's birthday. Three courses and it was really really lovely. Robbie, Gus' next eldest brother, came up from Oxford with his girlfriend Emma. I've known Emma years really as we went to school together, though she's a couple of years older. Her parents even live opposite my Nan, so it's a small world!

Emma and Robbie got in early in the morning and I sort of kept waking up on and off, and whenever someone comes in the dog always barks. But in the end I drifted into sleep and I think Sarah, Gus' mum, was getting a bit stressed out, not surprising as there was so many people in the kitchen. So me and Gus walked Chloe. We took her to the heath and it was so beautiful. All the leaves were red and gold and the sky was cloudless. The dog seemed to have fun.

When we got back it was lovely, Amanda, Sarah's friend, was helping to cook the main course and it just seemed to go so well. I sort of wish we hadn't had to go so soon, Gus' nan was there and she was really cool, plus I really do like Gus' brothers, good guys. I think Gus was getting a bit annoyed with the constant 'family photo' sessions. And even more annoyed when Sarah and Amanda weren't sure if they'd taken the photo haha. Technology!

shopping spree

I bought a fur coat yesterday, before you ask yes, it is faux. I had a lazy morning with Gus and his cat. His cat is probably my favourite of his mum's beasts, she has a dog as well a little Jack Russel but we don't seem to get on all that well, and she always, without fail, barks whenever anyone comes in the house. The cat is very sweet though, a long haired tabby and as my Grandpa used to have a simular cat minus the long hair, it's sort of sentimental. While Gus was up and doing useful things I was lounging around point blank refusing to get up properly. It was really nice just not to have to do anything.

We'd gone for Steve's birthday meal at Sakura, and in the end it was Steve, his mum, sister and sister's other half and their 9 month old son Nicholas. As well as me, Gus, Robbie, Sam and Lynn, and another friend of Steve's. Steve's nephew was beyond cute, wearing a little giraffe all in one, he was gurgling, screaming in apart delight, playing with the tongs...it was all very very adorable.

We shared a table with Lynn and Sam who own Drug Store. Sam's a great guy and his partner's always seemed really nice, and after a while of chatting to her she made me feel really comfortable. I never get the vibe they're the age they are (which isn't old but Lynn looks about 23!) must be that vegan eating! We let the guys 'bbq' our stuff for us, and it was one of the most interesting/strenuous meals ever. The waitress was very nice and explained the 'rules', green tongs for vegetables, red tongs for meat, blue for fish and wooden for cooked. I got lazy and kept using my chop sticks to take the food off (probably not the best plan seeing how hot the grill on our table was!). All of us, bar Nicholas who had baby food anyway, used chopsticks and I always feel all fingers and thumbs with them, it took me ages to get my hands in the right position, and then ended up eating my sticky rice one grain at a time! We were there at 7.30 and didn't leave til gone 10. Although I didn't go feeling really full, it was a lovely experience, Steve's mum was so nice and paid for the whole meal, me and Gus are going to get her a little thank you card.

Afterwards we went to the S.U for a drink and where Musk was DJing that night. The usual crowd were about, Musk's girlfriend Emma who I used to work with (she's super lovely), Brittany and Dean, Wes, plus the crowd who'd been at Steve's meal. I caught up with Emma and we had a good chat about everything and laughed as Matt was getting really happy due to how much he was drinking! Funny times. I was pretty tired so we left and went home. So nice to sleep! xo

hangouts

were nice yesterday with Chopping, we saw Steve for a bit in his work.

It's Steve's birthday Monday so he's invited me and Gus to a meal at that cute Japanese restaurant near Lush, it should be really nice as finally I get to meet Steve's 9 month old nephew and meet his sister again...the first time I met his sister I had made me and Steve wear facemasks for a Gay Day, or just skin care, fudge and films. She and her finance happened to walk in when are faces were green with the facemask, probably not the best impression!

I am currently enjoying

I know that the above album got a lot of kids mad, something about selling out or something? I think it's a good album, and I like the fact it's a lot of fun. I know hardcore isn't about the money but these guys do have lives to lead. Everyone I know in a band or who's been involved in one has told me how mind blowing it is...not only the creative process but when people suddenly get it and that moment of realisation that you're getting somewhere with something you love. I'm very unmusical, I can sing but the more I hear of different bands, it really makes me wonder how they put it all together. Even Dead Swans, I much prefer Nervous Wreck and Turn Cold, I can see how they deserve it. They seem to have worked very hard to live the lifestyle that they want. A month ago I was pretty down on bands who seemed to change direction to please a commerical crowd, for me it was almost handing over what made them unique and special musically, becoming duller and more bland.

But since speaking to other people and seeing these people I've felt quite bad about my views. Okay so I might not like it so much, but these people have to live and survive, make ends meet. One of my friends is in Reign Supreme and he's one of the most straight up guys I've ever met who's in a band that seems to have taken off big time this last year or so. When him and his band came over last they were so much fun and that really made me think, this is what it's about. This is what I've missed from hardcore. He doesn't think personally the music he plays is all that (though he was probably being modest!) but the experience and everything makes it so much better.

I just think that anyone who is in a band, who has the oppotunity to travel should just grab it. Work, money, it can wait. The people you get to meet, the things you see and do...If I had that I'd not look back. Don't worry about other people. I don't think it matters so much about who you're pleasing; you make your music for you, not other people, so I reckon if your heart is in it 100% no one has the right to decide if you're selling out.

Return of the King

I haven't read the books, yet, but I think I should. Although I hear some people dislike adaptations of great books, it has probably encouraged a lot of people to get involved with the books.

And plus Viggo is in Lord of the Rings....yum yum yum. Though he was pretty hot in A History of Violence. Not as hot as Edward Norton though.

I was listening to She & Him the other day, wow, Deschanel's voice is absolutely wonderful. Very powerful, but very unique. She's what I call a real woman, not stupidly skinny, pretty without being scary like Megan Fox who terrifies me slightly. I really disliked her in 500 Days of Summer, partly due to massive jealousy, I mean that dress was just amazing, and the way she is described in happier times with Levitz just appeals I think to every woman...all those quirky things about yourself, you wonder if people notice them, are endeared by them or just find them plain annoying. But Zooey is pretty much just one of those girls that men just find attractive because she just is very lovely. I don't know her personality but she just sparkles as a character in the roles she plays, which is kind of rare. Some women have that certain something, like Nicole Kidman has that sort of face that isn't just boring. She's got real character, and as she gets older she just seems to be more graceful and even more beautiful. In the Chanel advert she was just breathtaking. And her follow on, Audrey Tautou is just eugh. My guy friends all agree she is something special. She is the epitome of charming, her pixie feautures, amazing bone structure, and even the way she carries herself. Very womanly. And the Parisienne chic. Just beautiful!

a quick observation

During a set at Dead Swans, my other half said basically he felt I looked too overdressed for a show, and that got me thinking...I don't really overdress, but I like being a girl, wearing heels and yes okay I probably wouldn't be wearing anything vaguely William Tempest or indeed any designer who dresses Girls Aloud or, Heaven forbid, The Saturdays...however, a a denim shirt, leggings and pvc ankle boots, I don't think that's massively excessive.

I hate to moan, well maybe that's a lie haha, but seriously how boring would it be if you went to a show where everyone sported Modern Life is War shirts and double denim? Or a plaid shirt and denim. I think it's fair play to men as let's be honest unless you love fashion you're not too fussed. Unless it's a show I love, and for Trash Talk I'll be making an exception, I'm going to dress like I normally do. Which is not 'hardcore' but I like it, and I think it makes it less bland than if you have a million girls looking like clones.

I saw a couple of girls turn up wearing high heels, fake tan and Lipsey dresses, and they got so much abuse! I felt sort of sorry for them, they'd obviously made an effort (perhaps misguided) and it made me realise just how much we judge people's music taste based on their apparel. It's stupid, one guy I used to see, he's massively into his electro and the way he dresses sort of hints that, but he also has a knowledge of old hardcore bands, and even supported Terror back in the day. But to look at him you wouldn't think it.

And you know what, those girls, yeh they don't fit in, but as I said to friends, at least they turned up, supported the scene, handed over some money on the door. Shows don't manage to break even a lot of the time so why bother being all elitist about it? Do we want the scene to continue, and grow, or do we want to contain it in our little world of thirty? I think we all get so caught up in our own morality as in, 'why on earth are they here, they aren't here for the bands' or 'they're blatantly just out to get some'. Seriously how pathetic are we to be so bothered by why people are at a show or not. They're here, they've paid, why bother giving them grief?

Of course, some people do just ruin shows, rudeness and discourtesy are not tolerated, I saw a kid nearly knock one of the photographers cameras over out of his hands, and then started to dance in such a fashion that just meant that people got angry. Plus his girlfriend decided to get involved, instead of apologising, just tried to get in a fight. I can understand why tempers fray in situations like that.

I guess I just always thought hardcore was pretty accepting of the misfits and the outcasts. I love fashion and that's not about to change, I like the way I dress and if anyone thinks it's rubbish or stupid so be it. I like to feel comfortable. I have a very limited supply of band shirts, and all of which apart from my Lewd Acts one, actually fit comfortably. My Gold Kids one is tiny, my 7 year old cousin would fit it. My Ceremony one has been worn so so many times it's shrunk upwards. Others are just good for sleeping in.

I will wear the whole Vans, jeans, teeshirt combo for Trash Talk, but I intend to be disgusting by the end of it. Bring it.

over the rainbow

I bought some lovely new shoes today, very impractical but will do very nicely for my friends birthday meal/going out. Lea's going to have a great time, I know, starting off for drinks, then Frankie and Benny's for an enjoyable/fattening meal yaaaay!

My boyfriend finally gave up smoking hurray! massively proud of him.

let me count the ways

ridiculously broody currently. It is horrible. I have no idea why I want to be a wife and have kids and a nice little house, but I do. And I want it all now, wishing away my freedom to be chained to little dependant people...in the 21st century I have all the world at my feet if I want it enough, but my friend Steph has three weeks left until baby number 3 with her husband Jamie...two old work colleagues have just got married and have their baby due respectively, it all seems like everyone has settled down. I would never ever ever pressure my other half into that, hardly fair on him and hardly fair on the fact we are both pretty poor and both need to get better paid jobs in order to fullfill anything like that. In the secret place of here, well okay it's not so secret but he doesn't spend hours on here, he actually has a life...but I just wish sometimes I'd be swept off my feet, but I can't imagine my boyfriend proposing to me...it feels a little sad but I just can't see it. I want to, because I love him with everything I have, and okay we have our fights, and we're not always perfect but there's that irrisistability to him, and I can't walk away.

Eugh I need to stop wanting things....or just keep to wanting sensible non life changing things, like shoes.

happy times finally

I went to Italy last week, it was so SO needed. I felt like a ton of weight was lifted off my chest. It was surprisingly nice to be with my parents. I was apprehensive as we haven't been getting on so well as of late. But we visited Pisa, and Florence again, which were both awesome. I missed my friends, but it makes me more determined that NEXT year I will go on holiday with the girls and boys.




I'm thinking of changing jobs at the moment but I am waiting for things to settle as I'm finally moving out. To an amaaaazing place in town. I'm hoping it will be a really great experience. My room has a balcony and everything so that's almost doubley exciting. It also means friends can now hang out whenever and it's yeh.
I think I'll also eat better when I'm not being given copious amounts of food like I am now, I'm thinking lots of fish and vegetables as that is good for you and amazingly yummy.

I've had a pretty good summer excluding work, Parsons and Vicky have been my muskateers and how great they are. I never feel like a third wheel, it seems we just get on and it's cool. Lea has also been around a lot more and it's just made me realise how much I've missed friends. I'm going out for birthday meals with Steve next week which will be sa-weeet.

I've also had a great week with Gus, it's been one of the best we've had in ages, we seem to be getting on really well again after my amount of stressing out with work. It just kind of proves how much he means to me, I can honestly say he's been well worth waiting for, and something so tentative has turned into something really special.

Dreading work, but on the upside, I get to see Gary soon, and Sam and Amanda get married soon...I might be going to the wedding, really hope so, but if I do I'm excited to see Amanda's dress, and get all emotional during the service. Man I love weddings!

exhausted

So it's been a while. Things have been, weird.

Working 12 hours a day, (for no overtime or payrise) is making everything so so much worse. And being away from dear dear friends is even tougher.

I managed to catch Lewd Acts on Tuesday though which was awesome, I'm a bit behind (just discovered Heathens!) on music and I found out about Lewd Acts through their split with Hour of the Wolf. I like the fact that it's not your basic hardcore with Lewd Acts, their performance was totally solid and yet surprising. They seemed to blow the dust away from all those kids there for Bane (who seem to get increasingly boring each time I see them). It was good, Gold Kids played too, and although they aren't the best band in terms of musicality their passion and dedication makes up for it. I got given the mike for Desperate Souls, which was rad if embarrassing as I think I epically fail when given it! But it was fun, well needed in terms of how much I needed to get out, things went downhill a bit but the show itself was good. I managed to escape during Bane and sat and read during Down To Nothing.

I'm really really excited as I had some conversations with Gary and Luke, both London/daaan Saaaf boys, and I think I'll be seeing them soon. I'm hoping to meet Luke's new lady as she sounds lovely.

I think three girls that I owe everything to right now, Vicky, Parsons, Nina. So supportive and a real real help during this time. Big love.

I went to see 500 Days of Summer with Parsons/Vicky and it was so good to have a lovely lovely time with some beautiful ladies. It was a great film, and the laughs weren't typically American. To be honest it felt more British than anything, everything wasn't in your face. It was subtle and the actors were perfect, and yes we now have epic crushes on the hero of the film, Joseph Gordon Levitts with equal passion (hate) for Zooey Deschanel. It was bittersweet, but lovely. And the soundtrack was awesome.

I'm looking forward to seeing friends...I'm looking forward to seeing my boyfriend.

Holiday soon. x

wise words lost

Truely utterly haggard. I want this to get better.

much ado about nothing.

I miss him more than he knows.

plans of the exciting kind

To the right is what my talented tattooist has come up with for my 21st birthday present (from myself) I keep looking at it and getting more and more excited!

It'll take about 2 1/2 hours, hopefully it'll go well, last time was fine if a tad painful so fingers crossed. I am very very excited that Norwich is having it's first tattoo convention, it's got some amazing artists, like Sway www.myspace.com/swayzta2 and Tiny Miss Becca (she's on Sway's page, and a genius with ink) as well as international artists from the US, Hong Kong and further! Get your tickets from Black Lace, Rock Collective, or just get online. Seriously it'll be so good, and the more people who come, the more chance we'll get Norwich on the map for some awesome events.

I don't know why Norwich has such a bad reputation, the amount of times people, sometimes me, complain about it. It's a good city, and a nice place.

I CAN'T WAIT.

lastfm

After not using it at all, I'm getting really into using it. Although I'm not pleased with how low my play count is. It's pretty useful, and connected me with some bands I'd completely forgotten about.

I saw Chopping today which was nice, we had milkshakes from Cooler Shake. I think he had a butterscotch one and I had a Reece's Cup one, they were well needed after getting overly stressed out at work. Gus met me after that and we lazed around the park.

I had a really great weekend, and Angus cooked for me, tasty and means I intend to get him to cook for me more often.

Me and Jess hung out Friday night, bumped into the gang, Stu, Wes and Gus, and his two friends Sarah and Sophie, both really cool girls. It was a rad night, had some good juice, and was funny to see everyone bully Robbie (well sort of haha) Musk was around for a little while as well which was good but it was so busy and by the time we left we had no chance of saying goodbye.

I might go eat some cookies now.

chickpea overload

euggggh, so much humous, I actually will turn into a chickpea. I got these amazzzing oatcakes from Waitrose and man do they go well with humous!

I saw Gus today which was nice, it wasn't for long though, I plan to steal him over the weekend.

I feel so content, and so happy, I don't want anything to ruin this, we've waited so long and it seems to be going well so far, hopefully it'll continue.

tentatively

'hand in hand, shy eyes.'

I've realised a few things lately, and it's a little overwhelming. I hope this works.

it's been a while...

I've been rather slack for a month or so(?) as I am on holiday now I thought it best to update.

Friday was really cool, I caught up with my friend Brad, I hadn't seen him in oh so long. Lots of laughing and good food. Saturday I got up really early and got the train down to London to hang out with Gary, I was pleased to see he was sporting some post 50s attire, long socks and double denim plus quiff. We went into Black Pearl, this amazing 40s/50s store with corsets (one of which I must buy as it was quite reasonable in comparison to the others) we had GOOD Redveg, the best vegan fast food place. We went to loads of vintage shops (Gary flatly refused to let me buy the fringed denim jacket in tuxedo style for some reason) but the things I actually wanted to get didn't seem to exist i.e tan boat shoes and a tan belt that wasn't thick or thin but still a good waist belt? Trawling the internet was not helpful either. Anyway it was a nice day out regardless. Gus came and met me at the station, and we had a really great time watching (or in my case, hiding in Gus' shoulder) Drag Me To Hell, it wasn't what I expected, which was a teen orientated horror with a predictable ending...though Gus predicted the end anyway, but it was a truely funny gorey film. I haven't seen the director's previous films apart from Spiderman which doesn't count.
Sunday was church and it was really great as per usual, and then we had a BBQ. Monday I hung out shopping and probably looked like I was stalking (unintentionally) the staff of Dogfish as I seemed to be in there so often, but I secured my brother's snazzy shirt and feeling very poor by the time I met up with Lea, Joe and then Glaysher. It was lovely to see all of them as they all work at crazy times. I skipped over to my cousins for dinner and caught up and then headed out for some drinks at the Mischief, it was Stu's birthday that night so I ended up staying out a little longer than I expected, and realised that the more people that turned up....the more I realised that I was indeed the only female...when I voiced that, I got told 'yeh well apart from Wes' I think they were joking.

Got up on Tuesday morning pretty tired but awake, birds have a really weird notion of when to wake up, but it was a really nice morning when I finally got dragged out of bed. Walked into town and then got humous and oatcakes (best combination ever) and went into my old High School which was REALLY weird. No one recognised me, like teachers bar one? Crazy. Me, Jonny and Jay handed out lots of flyers for Battle of the Bands. It was gorgeous like the weather was really beautiful, and I caught up with Courtney over cake, pizza and drinks and it was really nice just to see her and stuff.

I've really needed this week off, really, hopefully I'll see Gus this week, but evasive answers can sometimes make him so mysterious! I'm used to it, that's how he's been for all the years I've known him. I'm seeing Luke, Viki and others tomorrow night, SO excited to be seeing Defeater finally as well. It's just over a month or so away from me having another week off so I'm rather happy about that. It's made me realise how stressed I've been and how much I need to take a holiday every two months rather than every three or four.

peace x

keep it on the low

I love sunglasses, for anomnity or the infamous. On the serious side I am finding mine make me look like a red haired Lady GaGa far too much for my liking (no one in their right mind wants that)

I've been listening to Helheim by Jealous pretty much all day, such a good record. I had a good day yesterday, I saw my friends Gus, Musk and Steve, that was awesome as I haven't seen them all in ages. We saw this crazy lady in Steve's work and it was insane the amount of time she spend getting her set up sorted, largely due to the most irritating laugh known to humanity.

Me and Donna went to Cambridge and I spent far too much, but I came out with a gorgeous new dress from Reiss, perfect for summer I feel something I can carry into A/W. I have also been braving the weather by wearing stupidly high shoes which look fabulous but give me vertigo. Fashion vs wind is not a duel I like very much. And I've realised my mac desperately needs replacing. When it gets hot I'll be sale hunting for a Burberry one....hmmmm.

I am going to have a nice long bath I think now.

xo

refreshing

determined to make a fresh start, determined to not look back anymore. So long.

here's to dead romance

It's a shame. How my heart is just oh so predictable. Unsuitable, ridiculous, plain wrong...and I am there.

I am fed up of this tiresome situation. Every man I have ever been in some sort of a relationship with has had a problem, needed fixing, an ego boost...or if I have been lucky I have escaped the fixing part before I have even stepped foot in the relationship. Why is it that I attract people in need of help? Rather than a person that is purely happy being with me and vice versa. No matter how much a man will convince himself he likes me, he doesn't. I have come to the rather sad conclusion that men aren't interested in me, but what I can offer them. Obviously not sex, but some sort of rock, I don't know. This isn't a sympathy vote. I'm beyond wanting a shoulder to cry on for my lack of suitable suitors.

I have seen so many different people in the course of my dating career. Which lets be honest, that is what it has become. It's become cold. I'm tired of this game.

douuuggghnutsss

man I forgot how good they are. Apple filled or chocolate ones ahhhhh NOM NOM NOM.

we're all suckers

I was trying to get into the Gaslight Anthem for probably about the hundreth time.

I was watching it on YouTube and it struck me as how well packaged they are. It's almost as if they were made for the alternative scene to like, with their tattoos, Vans and general appearance. It's probably cynical. Just an observation. I still don't think they are all that great, talented yeh but not something I perhaps like.

curing

I feel amazingly better today.

True friends are the people you can count on, Luke, Jess, Jamie, you mean alot.

Thank you

x

s.e.o.w

I've woken up still in a bad mood, it doesn't help when someone features so heavily in your dreams you can't escape even if you want to. What is worse is that I've managed to walk into something which probably isn't the best idea. Monday will be interesting at the very least.
I refuse to do anything in particular this weekend, whether that is to sulk or perhaps to just try and contemplate everything...who can tell. All I can tell is that if I go out I will get to be in a raging bad mood, due to very childish reasons where my head just resounds with 'it's not fair'. In a sort of distanced way I can see how badly I'm behaving yet I get so angry and so wound up I selfishly decide I couldn't care less. I'm possibly putting too much pressure on myself, with work I stress out at the smallest thing, I hate anyone that interrupts what I am doing (customers) and the constant worry of closing down is just not helpful. I'm trying to come to terms with my body, not that I actually hate it, but I'm at the stage where the male attention I have had recently has seemed good and then made me feel so crap that I would rather be slimmer more for me than for any man. I dislike how euphoric it can make you feel or at the other end of the spectrum where you just end up miserable because they haven't bothered so much.
Take my darling pasts lovers, one of the more recent ones only has interest in me it seems when I have feelings for someone else. He's a lovely man, in the sense of how driven he is and how attractive I found/find him but he has the most irritating habit of playing mind games. I've now decided that I will never get anything from him bar an occasional date, and casual dating is really something I am not interested in anymore.
I've said to plenty of people how much I hate 'dates' and the whole single ethos of going out and pulling some random man. It's not my style. There is also the fact that Norwich will never be a city of beautiful men, and those that I do think are nice or beautiful, I either have history with them or they are friends lovers or I know generally too much about them to make them attractive anymore.
Plus, the thing I fall for is personality now, a bit of charm, drive and intelligence. If these things are present in some guy I am just a mess and feel so drawn to them because they are the most attractive qualities. Finding all those things doesn't happen often, so when I do I try my hardest to see if there is a slight possibility it could work, not in a cringey way, but I suppose desperately seeking something that I believe I should have in my life.

23.42

I am huddled up, and I am really angry. I can't explain why, or how it's happened, or even how it's come about. Or maybe I do? I was so upset earlier, like ridiculously so but it wasn't at a point where I recognised how I felt until I was luckily on the phone to Jess.
It dawned on me how far I feel from all my friends/'friends' and how fairweather some friendships are. Like I am sitting here feeling miserable and fed up. Little things upset me which shouldn't. I am the first to admit that I am far too sensitive for my own good. I get worried about people, paranoid about people withint the space of ten minutes. Right now, my self esteem is so low, and I'm so confused about myself, my feelings, and it doesn't help when you feel you like someone when impossibilities dawn out of every corner, and you just wonder why the hell you bothered in the first place. Of course you cannot choose who you like or who you are attracted to, sometimes you know you shouldn't which makes that person perhaps suddenly a whole lot more desirable. In total I feel a mess and without steady friendships bar a couple I feel very mistrustful and very cynical towards ever getting to that place of dependancy onto another human being. To ask someone to cherish you but at the same time to challenge you is something I have rarely encountered. It's all about the 'I am' and I get angry, emotional with myself for being this self reflectory, it sucks so bad. I need to go and sleep but I am being so stubborn because I am so angry with how things are turning out. I'm scared about so much yet I'm fighting for it at the same time. I know things are happening and the fact I can't fully anticipate them, plan for them, it makes life very stressful and very upsetting. I used to run from problems but now I am wide open to them it seems, either I've become so lazy I won't run or I am too stubborn to let them win over me again.

The Crying of Lot 49

I was encouraged to read this by a friend, and I'm nearly through it. It's funny, it is such a little bit of literature. Not even 200 pages I think, but I'm finding I really need to concentrate on it. I've been very slack with challenging prose, I've become comfortable with books I enjoy (and there is nothing wrong with that, because what is a pleasure to read is usually the hardest to construct sometimes), but I feel like I've given up on books that make me re-read a page, or again, challenge my ideologies. The Crying is a good read, it has an interesting plot, and the way the author conveys the narrator, sometimes I can relate to it to the point where I am actually drowning in the words. It sounds perhaps a little over the top, but throughout reading The Crying of Lot 49, it's been a rising and falling, a quickening of interest as pieces fit together or rather not. You see the unravelling of things that were perfect being imperfect, like the narrator's hypersensitive spouse, having terrible dreams. I am going to read through it again, and reading that has made me again think about 'House of Leaves', which is not only a long read but has so much information, it's not merely about reading the thing, but processing the seperate/intwined stories, not of Truant but the Record, and the meticulous records about the er, records as written by the elderly man. It did make me laugh (which did surprise me, as I would never claim to be one of those people who laugh at such intense literature) and my somewhat rusty A Level English comes back enough to help me understand the bulk of the book.

I've come to the conclusion that I am one of those people doomed to be aspiring to be intelligent but never quite succeeding. If I had had thousands at my disposal I would've studied History and English, but sadly that dream will not happen. Instead I shall read myself into a suppor aha! I had a great conversation with my friend Flo about politics and she's another example of how I wish I knew more. I know sort of a shallow pool of knowledge but never seem to get beneath the surface to something more, I don't know, substantial, or tangiable. Eugh, I really disgust myself how clueless I am. I am one big sham! But still, it gives me a goal.

Positive 09?

I was thinking how I have a week off in June. Why not go abroad? Seriously? I've got the money. I can do whatever I want. I should get out, do something a bit crazy.

come, hold my hands

My throat is on fire, or at least feels like it is going to burn something to a crisp. Hence loading on dairy products, I have so little faith in cough syrups. My friend got his letter today and he said he liked it, although he also said my writing was illegible, unsurprisingly.

Lance and Courtney surprised me at work which was nice, just wish I'd not had to be on the floor so I could've properly caught up with them.

I am going to get Gossip Girl on boxset, I'm getting into it now, after reading the books and wondering if I'd feel anything for the television series. Two main factors, Edward Westwick and Penn Badgley haha, but no, it's good to see an English guy in a high profile teen drama.

I can't wait til my holiday in June. And then a month or so and my birthday and THEN my holiday and then October. Hopefully October will be a good month. We shall see.

men

When I am minding my own business, walking alone, I do not expect a flock of drunk men to parade infront of me and yell incoherent rubbish (especially when I have to lip read due to headphones).
The cloud had a silver lining, through 'Aaron' badgering me for my number, despite the fact of my 'ohhh I'm seeing someone' (yes, a small lie but still, you have to given those situations) I looked for my phone but remembered it was back in the bar, hence him chasing me down the road
'Daaarlin!' shudder shudder.

Anyway, he was a bit greasy, probably aspired to be some sort of footballer and the compliments of 'oh darlin you're good lookin, I've got a BMW and earn loads of money' obviously I am going to say 'take me I'm yours'. Materialism is all well and good, but not when the vessel of said materialism has as much personality as a kipper and smells like he has bathed in bad cologne. If a man has money he should either not show it, or at least wear it with some sort of dignity. I 'promised' to text him within five minutes of me literally running up the road, bumping thankfully into Flo. We are going to meet up Thursday which will be lovely and beautiful.

It makes me wonder why some men are so desperate. He was definately not my type in a million years, but then when men are hideous(ly) drunk, any girl looks good.

I had a good chat with two of my girlfriends about being straight edge, usually I don't talk that much about it, I'm of the school of thought which reads 'personal choice' about that sort of thing. I certainly don't clobber people with it. But it was really nice, most of my friends seem horrified when they find out I don't drink but it's always been a positive thing for me. And for my wellbeing.

I keep coughing so hard it's not nice, like really tickley and it makes me want to rip my throat out and scratch it, it feels so annoying!

Me and the Jeffers went for her birthday dinner which was amazing, I love food. Saw all my old work friends which was great.

So tired!

xo

my war, my life

'If the world hates you remember it hated me first'

runaways

After church I decided to get on my bicycle and take my brother's camera. I am not a very good photographer, I am the first to admit that. I was pleased with one of the shots though. I think that was down to chance light. I took the photos at the church where my Mum grew up. I think all my family have been married there, and my Grandmother and Grandfather are both buried in the graveyard. It was so peaceful, this gentle wind, it was so beautiful and blessedly quiet. I used to get so upset when I was small, I never met my Grandmother, I hear amazing things about her. She had seven kids, not an easy task and she was a landgirl in the war. She looked gentle and strong whenever I've seen photos. I like to think my cousins, my brother, and I, we carry that subtle determination. It's weird to miss someone you've never met, but I miss what she could've been. My other Nan is a living legend and the last grandparent I have. She's beyond cool and I feel I need to see her much more often, although I know she does love her solitude. I guess it'll be easier when I'm a bit more settled in life.

My Dad made the most amazing blueberry torte, I shall be having some later. Yummy.

I'm so stoked on September, and October too I guess, if things work out haha.
xo

stressstressstress

This week has been empty really. I'm so glad it's over. It's been very educational at work but so stressful it's gotten me very singleminded. I had our second Youth night which I co host with our YFC worker Johnny. It was great but we need to be more organised and more comfortable with each other as for me it feels a bit uncomfortable sometimes. But that aside it was good.

I wrote a letter to my friend, and got stuff sorted out for work like last minute reports. Today has been chilled, I've napped and just relaxed to the extreme, I'm not going out tonight either because a) I am totally skint and b)I need a night in.

times!
xo

closing my eyes

I have had a very very busy day.

I've been running backwards and forwards and haven't had time to myself until now. I got up at 6.30 and then didn't eat til 1 ish, my VM boss Mimi took me for dinner at Wagamama's which was good, I saw my friends Wesley and Musk skating past. It was beautiful weather and I couldn't look at the menus it was so bright. I had good old reliable no.72, I swear one day I actually will become more adventurous.

I'm quite excited about sending USA mail.


YAWN. I need apple juice.

city of light

It has hit me whilst watching The Devil Wears Prada how much I miss Paris. I haven't been in so long. Just that scene in the car where she's just staring out of the window, and the lights and the buildings...it's just stunning. I should take my job more seriously I think and probably go to fashion week for at least the Autum/Winter. Being lucky enough to see Chanel, Dior, Yves St Laurent and all those greats...I don't know, my love of fashion wanes sometimes and I know I'd never make it as any sort of designer. I simply have realised I can't breathe, eat and sleep it like that. But the appreciation is still their, the cuts, the colour, the imagination, the muses, the vision and the climax of the product from that vision. I am very much in love with it all still.

stamping your letters

I now have something nice to do. Writing to Chopping (when he gets around to posting my letter) will be nice, but it'll be also nice to have someone not from Norwich to write to. I'm hoping it will prove a useful exercise and keep me thinking about getting out of England for a while maybe next year. I'm going to Italy in October which will be really nice. I think me and Gary are having a weekend in Brighton as well for hang outs and shopping.

I had a really good chat with Gary the other night and it reminded me how much I've missed him, he pretends to be a massive Goth but he's actually really positive and happy (he'll kill me for that!) but anyway we talked about the political, economic situation and came to the agreement that Sweden has it so right when it comes down to tax etc.

It'll be awesome to visit Brighton, I found a really really good hotel I might stay in, but we shall see.

Last night was a bit strange, Em was pretty tired and I think she needed a lot of sleep as she was back on the train to Wales the next day. Hayley met us in the Wildman, we had a few drinks and took off (I made a Jenga house, it was pretty rad) and went to meet Jeffers. It was funny because me and Hayls did the old shoe swap, i.e change our pumps for our dancing shoes when two people yelled out of their window they liked the first pair more. Mortifying, even more so when I couldn't get my shoe on my foot!

Liesje was out with her younger brother (we sneaked him in) and it was so much fun. I can remember the 'golden days' when we'd all go out with her, with Panny and Kat and go to Po Na Nas on a Monday night religiously. It made me feel nostalgic and glad that she was around, as I haven't seen her since she left Topshop last year. But nevertheless, good times. And then Adam eventually turned up, which was cool, we had a gossip/catch up away from the music and then I got a taxi home.

It was nice although I wish more people had of been around. Today I went to church and hung out with Carolyn, we watched Hancock and Will Smith made us swoon. Over ate treacle tart...yumm, and then checked out hotels online. Rest is needed.

xo

moments

Wednesday was a beautiful night. It dawned cold, the proceeded to grow warm by the time I left off work. Part of me worried about going, the usual insecurities of what would happen, would it be a good night, who would be there...but once we started to drive I left all my worries in town. It was rush hour traffic, so we messed around with the camera, ate cake, sang along to the CDs Lauren made. I was quite quiet, it takes me a while to warm up to atmospheres I guess.

We arrived and Ipswich was cold, the sky looked like it was heavy with rain. The bands were running late, it was past eight when the all went on. I was so happy to see 50 Lions again. They always seem genuinely excited to be there, and the crowd responded so well. Between breaks, Jess, Clare, Lauren, Lea and me discovered the delights of the karaoke evening that was happening in the bar, we took the chance and sung passably to Grease, which attracted some of the attention from a few of the guys. Who got equally excited and decided to also join in.

One of the guys was talking to Jess introduced himself and then introduced his friend. I couldn't really care less which band, how many tattoos someone has it seems pretty shallow so I tend to be a bit reserved. But the guy was nice, he had good eyes (i.e intelligent) I later found out he was older than I thought, he'd finished college with a degree in Physics. I was impressed and surprised. His friends were just as funny as he was and were really up for hanging out and doing more karaoke. They ended singing 'You've gotta fight for your right, to parrrrty' which was amazing, everyone was dancing and laughing.

There was a really nice girl there, I'd never seen her at a show before, but she seemed so much fun, and genuinely non bitchy and sweet. She also had an amazing voice, and put us all to shame (apart from maybe Clare). She spoke to Jess and it made me think about how lucky I am to have such nice girlfriends into hardcore. Girls into hardcore seem to be so wary of the same sex, we either think the worst of someone instantly or see them as a threat to whichever guy we're into that week or sometimes it's a case of not believing they'll stick around into the scene. Which in most cases girls don't. I'm blessed to have great girls who're loyal and nice and into the music. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't have bothered, for all the trouble some girls cause.

We got on really well, though throughout the evening half of me was wondering how many girls he's met exactly like me just in different places. I kept wondering how on earth you'd realise if you genuinely liked someone when you met so many generic girls (myself included). He was cute, in a subtle way, I think I was convincing myself I didn't like him just to stop me from doing anything stupid. The girls were watching a film in the lounge and a couple of times James burst into the dining room where me and the guy were, I think James was mildly disappointed to see we were just talking. At about half three Jess decided it was really time to go. It was sad because I really liked hanging out with him, and it has helped me realise so much more about people just from that evening. I knocked him a kiss on the cheek, though I shied away from a full on kiss, which I was quite proud of. It was a bit awkward but we both laughed. I didn't want to be classed as one of the British girls he saw and conquered. I would like to be vaguely remembered as a nice girl he had a good conversation with.

Jess drove us first to her house, and then drove all the way to mine. It takes about half an hour to get to mine and I was so grateful and touched she did all that driving. At nearly five to five I rolled into bed, I could already hear the birds and see the first streaks of light dancing on my ceiling. At six thirty I got up. Quite awake considering the lack of sleep. No make up on for two days, I feel liberated!

Me and the girls are making plans to have more nights out like that. Not all the time but once a month to give us some awesome memories. I couldn't care less what other people think, given the chance to hang out with some fun guys and have a blast I don't think anyone would turn the oppotunity down. Life is about living it, and making the most of the good experiences. I think when people are from another place, especially somewhere you've never been, it's only polite to try and have an insight into their lives. I'm still very much reliving that night, fond memories with some great people.

Viva friendship xo

lusts

sort yourself out, you're such a disgrace,
with eyes like daggers,
that tear holes into the heart,
how I wish this wasn't a reality,
I wish light would shine,
how I wish it would just keep on shining,
save me from these dead ends,
these empty beds of broken thoughts,
so I raise my hands in defense,
let me go, oh won't you let me?

МАМАША

The weekend was little surreal. It was very busy to say the least. On Friday I was meant to go to the Love household but Emily forgot it was her friend's birthday, in a way I was sad as it meant I couldn't see Em and Anna, but it was a good thing because I was exhausted from the week's stresses. Our UK product manager came up from London to sort things out in our store, I do like Amy she's very knowledgable and she just makes everything a lot easier to understand. My job is hard work I love it but sometimes I get a bit caught up in everything.
So I had an early start as I was panicking my furniture would arrive really soon (it didn't arrive until 2!) I moved everything around and tried to get my room in some sort of order.
I went to Kinki and got my hair cut, my usual hairdresser wasn't in, so I had Kate, who was hilarious, she was recounting her numerous experiences of Norwich clubs. At first I was a bit unsure, but after the ice had broken she was great fun. She put in some softer layers and tidied up the back so it will grow in the way it's meant to. I was pleased that for once I could keep up with the 'hairdressing lingo' usually I nod and smile and pretend like I know what they're talking about, this time I felt I understood a little better! I do like Kinki, the girls and guys are all really friendly, and I think I'm not alone in loving the feel of salon washed hair (especially when they've put all their awesome products and dried it beautifully).

We went out to the Waterfront, surprise surprise! I was feeling in a weird mood, and the whole evening seemed up and down, I saw my friend Ryan which was nice, and saw a few other people I knew, though I was hoping more people would be around. The music seemed a bit random too, last weekend the music was amazing, and then this weekend it was terrible. Well not entirely but I really hate Muse, the new Kings Of Leon, it is just a bit boring and not good to dance to. They did play White Lies which brightened my mood considerably. And there is nothing better than chips when you've had a night out. Mmmmmm.

Sunday awoke pretty early had to rush out of the door for church, sung alot (but kept missing the intros to the verses which was weird) and had a really awesome speaker called Mark Sutcliff. He was really encouraging and a laugh, and I probably ate my weight in chocolate eggs. In the afternoon we went to Mindesmere as it was Mumma's birthday. Laurence and me kept getting dirty looks off the birdwatches, I think it was because we didn't have massive tripods strapped to our backs. We kept seeing these men and women with not only their tripods but seemingly the most ridiculous sized lenses on their SLRs, it was hilarious because one would have a pretty big one and then another guy would 'outlense' the other. And the would just protude so much they ended up looking like darleks! Good times. We went for dinner at the White Hart in Blyburgh, and I ate a lot, no surprise but it was nice to be out with my family. I aime them lots.

My best friend is coming home soon from Leeds, it'll be nice to have him back for a bit at least, he's not the 'settling in one place' type. I found an amazing job in San Francisco. Not because I like that place any more than anywhere else but it just keeps me thinking 'what if'.....

Hardcore- Continuous Relevence?

I will refrain from going into hardcore's history. Most people reading this will already have the understanding of it's roots in punk, the changes that have happened since the late 70s that have made it evolve and shift to today's attitudes, however what I am interested in is how it is helping the current generation. What is hardcore doing that helps the youth? What is hardcore besides a genre of music?

Hardcore, punk, alternative music, it is around because a fraction of society hate becoming just another person. This fraction do not like to conform, they would rather stand out than become a clone, or a sheep. Hence the political stances, hence the clothing code, hence the staunch religious views.

Okay so hardcore has always been a platform for freedom of expression. One of my friends describes it as 'an outlet of anger, and a way of getting rid of the emotions you bottle up'. So what? Many genres of music do that, but not perhaps so watered down. Where some bands from other music backgrounds may talk about how upset they are, or how a relationship failed, usually there are some 'happy' songs, some songs that give you hope. In hardcore, especially today, there is a clear message. It's not going to be okay, there is no hope for me. It is not a sob story, it is not seeking attention, it is just what is says.

Bands such as Ceremony, Trap Them, Trash Talk, Cold World portray a 'go it alone and face your own concequences' facade on their music and their ever rising popularity is clear that it is a view shared by the majority. Indeed it is a largely God Free environment, though a small number of Chrisitan hardcore bands do exist.
But not everyone does share this view, the 'posi' hardcore view is of friends, family, being united for the music and sharing the load of life's trials. Set Your Goals, Good Clean Fun, H20, Death Is Not Glamorous and many many other bands, old and new share the mentality that life may let you down, but you have people that will help you all the way, so long as you stay true to your roots, and your values.

So many people may wish they could 'believe' in better, but with life can come a lot of disillusion. People aren't always 'around' you there to pick you up in your time of need, and when things come apart and come crashing down, where do you look?Since they don't have any belief in a God, perhaps they would rather believe in nothing than fear belief in something that might fail again.

I haven't been into hardcore long, I've been aware of it since I was sixteen, I'm twenty one this year, older, hopefully wiser too. I have learnt a lot about the scene I'm involved in, about the traditions, the people, and do not get me wrong, I am proud (most of the time) to be apart of something like hardcore. I love the people, the atmosphere, the traditions, the music. It's all very special to me, and I love the way I can relate to the music.

It is starting to get a bit repetative, though I don't outrightly dislike that aspect, but the cathartic method of 'talking through' your problems has been around since Freud. And all of us offload our problems in some shape or form. With the internet, blogging (aha!), mobile phones, we have infinate ways of letting out our inner angst, sometimes to complete strangers.

Hardcore is an ongoing angst though. Talking about your problems is a part of a hope that you'll recover somehow, but it a vicious circle where hardcore is concerned. Nothing gets solved. There isn't any hope anything will get any better, as there is no a hope, so you get the repeat of how bad it is. How much you hate it, but you can't stop it. Is this really all hardcore has to offer? A pedestal for broken people just to become even more broken?

I will probably add to this when I have thought more about it.

God vs man

God wins. Everytime. I am going to sleeeeeeep.

it's an Etheopian cake!

I was watching The Beautiful Life today so bittersweet. I had a really good time hanging out with Chopping, he liked his egg (cleverly in the shape of Mr Potato head with stick on body parts) he seemed a bit quiet, I was worried and I hope he's okay. But then I tend to talk too much. I think I should be quieter, and let other people talk more? I get overexcited. Today's been good, busy but good.
I'm looking forward to seeing Lea, Joe, Jess and her boyfriend. It'll be lovely to see Jess, as I don't see her all that often, and to meet her other half will be equally awesome, I wonder at how couples 'make it' long term, as I'm such relationship failure, and Jess' situation is tough as her boyfriend lives in the States. I admire them greatly.
I phoned my friend Luke when I got home, it was nice to have a chat, or rather for him to hear me moaning haha, but still it's been a while and it was good to hear how he's been. Apparently he's bleached his hair. Crazy man!
I got a call off my other friend as well, as he had seemed down a lot, we had a pretty long conversation and made me realise how I've missed his humour, I always feel bad I'm so selfish when it comes to time, I don't even have a busy social calender but I seem to spend more time sleeping than hanging out.

Tomorrow will be awesome. I need to be nicer. Eugh!x

shhhhh!

soon Chopping will have his present.....and he still has no idea! mwahahahahaha! maybe I should tone the evil laugh down....that might scare him. Or make him think it's a bad present. When in fact it's SO good. I keep going on about it. But it's...just the best thing ever. With the exception of a pony. Maybe.

3D monsters

I had a pretty awesome weekend. On Friday, I caught up with my friend Becca. Now I've known her since much first breath, give or take a few, we were born 12 days apart, but I haven't seen her in literally months. Bad seeing as we live in the same village! Anyway we went to the pub and had a really good catch up, and relived childhood memories. It was honestly so good to see her. Anyway, Saturday I thought I might be seeing Lea, but I ended up doing chores and having a lazy morning, probably needed as I was shattered. The afternoon was dull to the extreme, and I didn't fancy going out. My brother Laurence was actually home for once, as we were both around, I took him out for a meal at Pizza Express, and afterwards saw Monsters Vs Aliens (in 3D) and it was so so good! Really funny, and I am a big Seth Rogen fan. I was up for some really lighthearted entertainment.

We got icecream afterward (Ben and Jerry's fudge brownie) and walked around town in our 3D glasses, y'know, being cool. It was all in all a great night, I feel very lucky in the sense I do get on well with my sibling, and I know not everyone can say that.

Sunday dawned nice and sunny, and Jamie picked some awesome songs to sing. I felt really honoured to be able to sing in the band, I've felt very disconnected lately, and I tried really hard not to be distracted by the externals. Jamie said afterwards I need to be more confident with singing prophetically (when you sing free style I guess is the nearest way of describing it) and it can be really beautiful, but only towards the end I felt 'there'. That moment where nothing else matters but you and God, because you are literally singing to him and him alone. It's a very special time and I can't wait to get my ipod docking system so I can practise on my own as well as band practise. I met Toby's friend Sam who was back from uni, and he seemed a cool guy, not in a romantic sense, but in the sense that he was just funny and just made me realise how much I miss having friends who are single. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great but it is tough sometimes arranging stuff as with kids, husbands and wives, it takes organising to be social sometimes.

We had a good time and in the afternoon Mummy and Daddy Dyson took me to Alburgh for fish and chips and walks. It was so peaceful and it was lovely and warm. Times like that I wish we had a dog, there were loads of families out with their four legged friends, lots of wet coats and wagging tails! I think I'd like a Red Setter. They do say a dog should be like it's owner. And the more red heads in a family the better. Gingerness is dying out! Darn those recessive genes.

Anyway, after Alburgh I had to hop on the bus to get to my cousin Donna's house, as we'd arranged a quiet night in, and a good old catch up, we watched Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. One of my favourites, and I'm sure Donna would have equally enjoyed it had she not kept falling asleep haha. We (or should I say I?) watched Constantine, man that film is good. The storyline is ridiculous but I still enjoy it, especially as Rachel Weiz is one of my favourite actresses. She seems to be very verstatile.

Today was lovely, seeing Lea and Joe, and then seeing Glaysher too. Legends.
Eugh, so tired. Is it possible to overblog? x

rock

I really want to go the Rock n Roll weekend at Hemsby, it looks so much fun. Really nostalgic and a chance to dress up properly. I'm looking forward to next weekend, my hair is getting longer and it's slightly darker, I need to go very dark I have realised, though I do like the redness of it still. Hmm!

I've just finished reading the Sword in the Stone for about the millionth time but it is such an odd, funny story. The way it is a mixture of humour, history and magic makes it all the better!

I should stop lounging around and stop procrastinating. My room is literally clothesonthefloorcity, which is a bit annoying seeing as last week it was beautiful and tidy. One of the ever on going tasks! Anyway I am going to follow my own advice and go tidy up! Chopping's Easter Gift is amazing, SO excited to give it to him!x

thumb wrestlers

Today was good, weird but good. After swapping songs with a friend over text (always good) him arguing that AM/PM by American Nightmare outstripped my favourite, Love American. I think AM/PM is good one, you can really get into it, but I think Love American is far more reflective.

Work was really busy, I didn't really stop until I left which is pretty normal but for some reason it felt a lot better, I've been stressing out so much feeling like I can't keep up but this week has been better. My area manager Mimi is coming soon to spend a few days with us so she can make sure I'm doing things right, I was going to go to London to be with the girls in Regent Street, but to be honest I'm glad in some ways. I would've probably spent a lot of money which isn't good! I do want to go down to London soon though.

After work myself and Chopping headed for some retail laughs, and I was most touched as he made me a compilation CD, I need to listen to it later! There's something really special about letters, homemade CD mixes and stuff, I'm getting Chopping a really awesome present for Easter, (I would say here but just incase he reads) and I wish I was clever enough to make it but it would look horrific if I tried (probably frightening). He also bought me a thumb wrestler, I hadn't actually heard of it before but I am not looking back. We wrestled hard. Mine was no. 54 and looked like a mexican guy with crazy colours. Poor Chopping ended up with the ref. I think it's good to get a peacemaker? Never the less, it was an awesome idea and even though my thumb is slightly too fat, I will wear it with pride! We had good Subways, but I really really hate rude people. There was this nasty little gothic girl ripping into Jamie but not brave enough to actually say anything, just laughing stupidly. I wanted to smack her in the face she was being so disgustingly rude. And she had crap pink hair. Not that pink hair makes you less of a person, but she was obviously one of those insecure girls that has to be sooooo alternative to be er, cool? I don't know. Whatever, I hate it when people are just plain rude like that!

We had a good chat as well, I miss him alot, and it's hard, but it would be so much harder if he wasn't around. He's amazing. x