keep it on the low

I love sunglasses, for anomnity or the infamous. On the serious side I am finding mine make me look like a red haired Lady GaGa far too much for my liking (no one in their right mind wants that)

I've been listening to Helheim by Jealous pretty much all day, such a good record. I had a good day yesterday, I saw my friends Gus, Musk and Steve, that was awesome as I haven't seen them all in ages. We saw this crazy lady in Steve's work and it was insane the amount of time she spend getting her set up sorted, largely due to the most irritating laugh known to humanity.

Me and Donna went to Cambridge and I spent far too much, but I came out with a gorgeous new dress from Reiss, perfect for summer I feel something I can carry into A/W. I have also been braving the weather by wearing stupidly high shoes which look fabulous but give me vertigo. Fashion vs wind is not a duel I like very much. And I've realised my mac desperately needs replacing. When it gets hot I'll be sale hunting for a Burberry one....hmmmm.

I am going to have a nice long bath I think now.

xo

refreshing

determined to make a fresh start, determined to not look back anymore. So long.

here's to dead romance

It's a shame. How my heart is just oh so predictable. Unsuitable, ridiculous, plain wrong...and I am there.

I am fed up of this tiresome situation. Every man I have ever been in some sort of a relationship with has had a problem, needed fixing, an ego boost...or if I have been lucky I have escaped the fixing part before I have even stepped foot in the relationship. Why is it that I attract people in need of help? Rather than a person that is purely happy being with me and vice versa. No matter how much a man will convince himself he likes me, he doesn't. I have come to the rather sad conclusion that men aren't interested in me, but what I can offer them. Obviously not sex, but some sort of rock, I don't know. This isn't a sympathy vote. I'm beyond wanting a shoulder to cry on for my lack of suitable suitors.

I have seen so many different people in the course of my dating career. Which lets be honest, that is what it has become. It's become cold. I'm tired of this game.

douuuggghnutsss

man I forgot how good they are. Apple filled or chocolate ones ahhhhh NOM NOM NOM.

we're all suckers

I was trying to get into the Gaslight Anthem for probably about the hundreth time.

I was watching it on YouTube and it struck me as how well packaged they are. It's almost as if they were made for the alternative scene to like, with their tattoos, Vans and general appearance. It's probably cynical. Just an observation. I still don't think they are all that great, talented yeh but not something I perhaps like.

curing

I feel amazingly better today.

True friends are the people you can count on, Luke, Jess, Jamie, you mean alot.

Thank you

x

s.e.o.w

I've woken up still in a bad mood, it doesn't help when someone features so heavily in your dreams you can't escape even if you want to. What is worse is that I've managed to walk into something which probably isn't the best idea. Monday will be interesting at the very least.
I refuse to do anything in particular this weekend, whether that is to sulk or perhaps to just try and contemplate everything...who can tell. All I can tell is that if I go out I will get to be in a raging bad mood, due to very childish reasons where my head just resounds with 'it's not fair'. In a sort of distanced way I can see how badly I'm behaving yet I get so angry and so wound up I selfishly decide I couldn't care less. I'm possibly putting too much pressure on myself, with work I stress out at the smallest thing, I hate anyone that interrupts what I am doing (customers) and the constant worry of closing down is just not helpful. I'm trying to come to terms with my body, not that I actually hate it, but I'm at the stage where the male attention I have had recently has seemed good and then made me feel so crap that I would rather be slimmer more for me than for any man. I dislike how euphoric it can make you feel or at the other end of the spectrum where you just end up miserable because they haven't bothered so much.
Take my darling pasts lovers, one of the more recent ones only has interest in me it seems when I have feelings for someone else. He's a lovely man, in the sense of how driven he is and how attractive I found/find him but he has the most irritating habit of playing mind games. I've now decided that I will never get anything from him bar an occasional date, and casual dating is really something I am not interested in anymore.
I've said to plenty of people how much I hate 'dates' and the whole single ethos of going out and pulling some random man. It's not my style. There is also the fact that Norwich will never be a city of beautiful men, and those that I do think are nice or beautiful, I either have history with them or they are friends lovers or I know generally too much about them to make them attractive anymore.
Plus, the thing I fall for is personality now, a bit of charm, drive and intelligence. If these things are present in some guy I am just a mess and feel so drawn to them because they are the most attractive qualities. Finding all those things doesn't happen often, so when I do I try my hardest to see if there is a slight possibility it could work, not in a cringey way, but I suppose desperately seeking something that I believe I should have in my life.

23.42

I am huddled up, and I am really angry. I can't explain why, or how it's happened, or even how it's come about. Or maybe I do? I was so upset earlier, like ridiculously so but it wasn't at a point where I recognised how I felt until I was luckily on the phone to Jess.
It dawned on me how far I feel from all my friends/'friends' and how fairweather some friendships are. Like I am sitting here feeling miserable and fed up. Little things upset me which shouldn't. I am the first to admit that I am far too sensitive for my own good. I get worried about people, paranoid about people withint the space of ten minutes. Right now, my self esteem is so low, and I'm so confused about myself, my feelings, and it doesn't help when you feel you like someone when impossibilities dawn out of every corner, and you just wonder why the hell you bothered in the first place. Of course you cannot choose who you like or who you are attracted to, sometimes you know you shouldn't which makes that person perhaps suddenly a whole lot more desirable. In total I feel a mess and without steady friendships bar a couple I feel very mistrustful and very cynical towards ever getting to that place of dependancy onto another human being. To ask someone to cherish you but at the same time to challenge you is something I have rarely encountered. It's all about the 'I am' and I get angry, emotional with myself for being this self reflectory, it sucks so bad. I need to go and sleep but I am being so stubborn because I am so angry with how things are turning out. I'm scared about so much yet I'm fighting for it at the same time. I know things are happening and the fact I can't fully anticipate them, plan for them, it makes life very stressful and very upsetting. I used to run from problems but now I am wide open to them it seems, either I've become so lazy I won't run or I am too stubborn to let them win over me again.

The Crying of Lot 49

I was encouraged to read this by a friend, and I'm nearly through it. It's funny, it is such a little bit of literature. Not even 200 pages I think, but I'm finding I really need to concentrate on it. I've been very slack with challenging prose, I've become comfortable with books I enjoy (and there is nothing wrong with that, because what is a pleasure to read is usually the hardest to construct sometimes), but I feel like I've given up on books that make me re-read a page, or again, challenge my ideologies. The Crying is a good read, it has an interesting plot, and the way the author conveys the narrator, sometimes I can relate to it to the point where I am actually drowning in the words. It sounds perhaps a little over the top, but throughout reading The Crying of Lot 49, it's been a rising and falling, a quickening of interest as pieces fit together or rather not. You see the unravelling of things that were perfect being imperfect, like the narrator's hypersensitive spouse, having terrible dreams. I am going to read through it again, and reading that has made me again think about 'House of Leaves', which is not only a long read but has so much information, it's not merely about reading the thing, but processing the seperate/intwined stories, not of Truant but the Record, and the meticulous records about the er, records as written by the elderly man. It did make me laugh (which did surprise me, as I would never claim to be one of those people who laugh at such intense literature) and my somewhat rusty A Level English comes back enough to help me understand the bulk of the book.

I've come to the conclusion that I am one of those people doomed to be aspiring to be intelligent but never quite succeeding. If I had had thousands at my disposal I would've studied History and English, but sadly that dream will not happen. Instead I shall read myself into a suppor aha! I had a great conversation with my friend Flo about politics and she's another example of how I wish I knew more. I know sort of a shallow pool of knowledge but never seem to get beneath the surface to something more, I don't know, substantial, or tangiable. Eugh, I really disgust myself how clueless I am. I am one big sham! But still, it gives me a goal.

Positive 09?

I was thinking how I have a week off in June. Why not go abroad? Seriously? I've got the money. I can do whatever I want. I should get out, do something a bit crazy.